Three buddies got married on the same day and at the same hotel. During the receptions, the three guys met up in the bar. “Guys, it’s our wedding night and, uh, I was wondering, er, ah, how many times are we supposed to do it?” Discussion ensued, and finally ended with an agreement to just see how things go and meet up the next morning for breakfast. One groom said, “Wait. We can’t discuss our wedding night performances over breakfast with our new wives there.” “You’re right. Let’s just order one slice of toast for every time we did it.” “Excellent idea!” The next morning, the brides and grooms staggered to their tables and the waitress came to take their orders. The first groom said, “I’ll have the full breakfast with three slices of toast, please.” The other two grooms smiled at his prowess. The second groom ordered, “I’ll have the full breakfast but with four slices of toast.” The third groom grinned and said, “I’ll have the full breakfast, please, but I’ll have…” and here he paused for effect, “seven, yes, seven slices of toast!” “Seven slices of toast, sir?” queried the waitress. “That’s an awful lot.” “Yes it is, young lady, yes it is. But seven slices of toast it shall be…. And, by the way, make two of those, brown!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Dating the best (joke)
Three elderly ladies, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. “My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue,” said one. The second said, “My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.” The third lady remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, “And you, dear; do you have a son?” The second added, “And is he a professional?” She answered, “Not exactly. Actually, he’s a plumber. And he’s gay.” Beaming, the other two consoled, “Oh. That’s too bad.” But then the third woman smiled. “Oh, he’s doing okay. He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street!”
Send me back!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.? Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back…as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh?> How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside.? Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg. His joy was overwhelming!
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re sh#$@ing in the bed!”
Never Been F*#!ed (joke)
A girl in a wheelchair was enjoying a day at the beach when a gorgeous beach god approached her. She said, “Excuse me, but may I ask a favor?” “Sure,” he replied. “What can I do for you?” “You see, I’ve never been hugged.” “Well, I can fix that!” he said, and gave her a nice long hug. Then she said, “You know, I’ve also never been kissed.” So he leaned down and gave her a long passionate kiss. She enjoyed it a lot and said, “I’ve also never been fucked.” So the guy picked her from her wheelchair and dropped her in the ocean.
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” she said. But when she unpacked her suitcase and found the wrong nightgown, she gasped, “Oh! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” And he called through the bathroom door, “I thought you said no peeking!”
Traffic Stop
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!” The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what “AH” meant. The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser. The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?” “Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'” “What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” “Aggressive and hostile, sir.” “Aggressive and hostile?” “Yes, sir.” “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘a$shole’?” The officer grinned. “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”
What’s your GPA?
Near the end of the season, the college football player decided to celebrate the end of team curfew at a late night party. He soon spied a beautiful co-ed and eased into conversation by asking, “Meet many dates at parties?” She replied, “Oh, I have a 3.9. I’m more attracted to the strong academics than party animals. What’s your G.P.A.?” Grinning, the jock boasted, “24 in the city and about 30 on the highway!”
Five sets of gold teeth
When Moishe arrived in New York, the customs official inspected his suitcase and asked, “Why do you have five sets of gold teeth?” Moishe explained, “Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat products and one for dairy products. Since I keep kosher, I have separate sets of teeth for each.” The customs official asked, “Okay, that accounts for two sets. But what about the other three?” Moishe replied, “Being a very religious Jew, I use separate dishes for Passover, too, so I also have separate teeth for meat and dairy products on Passover.” The customs official was still skeptical. “You are a very religious man, but that just four sets of teeth. What about the fifth?” “Well, to tell ya the truth, once in a while I enjoy a nice ham sandwich!”
The new robot secretary
Jim the techogeek was admiring John the technogeek’s new acquisition. “John, that new robot secretary of yours is cool!” “Glad you like her. She’s the latest model.” “How does she work?” “Easy. Squeeze her left breast and she takes dictation. Squeeze her right breast and she types a letter.” “Wow! Cool.” “Would you like to try her out?” “Sure!” They moved the new robot into an empty office and John left Jim alone with her to experiment. Suddenly, Jim’s screams of pain could be heard throughout the office! “Eeeeyaaaaa! ” John rushed in. “Jim! Did I forget to tell you that she also has a built-in pencil sharpener?!”
First time on the tee
Two women were paired together in the club tournament. They met for the first time on the tee, introduced themselves, and traded handicaps. “My handicap is 9. What’s yours?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” replied the other. “Really?” said the first, impressed. “Yeah. I write down my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”