Two drunk Air Force Crew Chiefs were talking. One said, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I used both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I really tried. By the time I was 50, I could bend it 20 degrees no problem. Next week I’m gonna be 60 and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So?” asked the second guy. “What’s your point?” “Well, I’m just wondering: how much stronger am I gonna get?”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Jump! It’s Your Only Chance
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”
The Roadside Cafe
A man stopped at a roadside café, sat down at the counter, and was surprised by the Daily Specials sign: “Cheeseburger $7, Chicken Sandwich $8, Hand Job $20.00.” When the attractive waitress came to take his order, he asked, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purred, “and I’m good, too!” The man replied, “Well, wash your hands and bring me a cheeseburger! “
Terrible News
As the manager passed the blonde’s cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “I just learned that my mother died this morning.” The boss felt sorry for her. “Go one home and take the day off.” “Thanks, but I’d rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it.” He agreed she stayed on. A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. “Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” he asked. “No!” exclaimed the blonde. “I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!”
Chicken wi broccori? (chinese joke)
A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…
“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”
Jump! It’s Your Only Chance
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”
Cleanup at checkout 3!
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
Precious little girl
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”
Little Old Lady (joke)
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!
Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘
‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!
‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’
‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘
‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’
‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”
Screw the preacher
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”