Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
“Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
“Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
“Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got,

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”

A Priest and a Rabbi buy a car (joke)

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m blessing it with holy water,” said the priest. A few minutes later the rabbi came out of the synagogue carrying a hacksaw. He walked to the back of the car and cut off about two inches of tailpipe.

The Parrot and Thanksgiving

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s out stretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the Turkey did”

Happy Thanksgiving

Compensation for Willy

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says: ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’

‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything is OK but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.

‘I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

And what is it?’ asks the doctor…

‘We’re having a new kitchen!’

Sitting on the bus

So I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

Hunting Joke

Four guys had planned their deer hunting trip for months but, shortly before the big date, Ron’s wife changed her mind. His buddies were disappointed, but what could they do? Yet, when they got to the trailhead, there stood Ron. “Dammit, man. How did you talk your wife into letting you go?” “Well, last night she put on a skimpy nightie and pulled me into the bedroom, which was lit only by candlelight. She even had handcuffs and ropes! She said, ‘Tie me to the bed’, so I did. And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’ So, here I am!”

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

California Lawyer in Montana (joke)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Butte, Montana. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Montana deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,’ License and registration, please.’

‘What for?’ says the lawyer.

The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’

‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’

The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’

‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh** out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’

Too Quick in the Saddle (joke)

A middle-aged businessman married a young woman half his age. But the fantasy of a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well, even if he was a little quick in the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited his doctor. “Doc, when I make love to my young wife, I can’t hold back very long and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?” The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer.” “Okay, Doc, if you think that’ll help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be waiting at the front door to attack him when he got home. “Be prepared, darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? It was too risky.

As he drove home, he decided to find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the car, pretending to inspect it, and do his deed there. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes tightly and began his “therapy.” A few minutes later, as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining his fantasy, he said, “Yes?” “Police! What are you doing?” “Uh, I’m inspecting my rear axle.” “Well, buddy, while you’re down there, you’d better check your brakes too cause your car just rolled down the hill!”

Pricing a Lexus

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn’t pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, ‘Good day, Ma dame. How may we help you today?’

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? ‘

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, ‘Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’ll shit when you hear the price.’