The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming. When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you’re going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!” The magistrate softly replied, “Mebbe so, but you’re what’s passing through it!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted.
The Difference Between Potentially and Realistically (joke)
Tommy went to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?” His father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So Tommy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “Of course I would! We could really use the money to fix up the house and send you kids to college!” Tommy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” She replied, “I Love Brad Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat!” Finally Tommy asked his brother, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” He replied. “Of course, do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
Tommy pondered the answers and went back to his Dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?” Tommy replied, “Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two hookers and a homo.”
The Blonde and the Mugshot
Three Blondes were applying for a position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective interviewing them said, “To be a detective, you must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and tattos.” Then he took a photo, stuck it in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it quickly. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye; it’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The detective stuck the photo in the face of the second blonde, pulled it back and said, “Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes! He only has one ear!” The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just said? This is a profile of his face! You’re excused!”
The detective turned to the third blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but . . ” He flashed the photo in her face and withdrew it. “Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?” The blonde said, “I sure did. He wears contacts.” The detective looked at the photo and began looking at some papers in a folder. He looked at the blonde and said, “You’re right! His bio says he wears contacts! How could you tell by looking at his photo?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo!! With only one eye and one ear, he can’t wear glasses!”
Speeding in the Nursing Home (joke)
An old lady is wheeling her wheelchair up and down the halls of her nursing home, making sounds like she’s driving a car. As she’s rounds one corner, an old man jumps out of his room and says, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you were speeding. May I see your license, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a candy wrapper. He studies it, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes. Again, the same old man stops her. “Excuse me, ma’am, but you crossed the center line back there. May I see your registration, please?†She digs in her purse and pulls out a store receipt. He studies it, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way. Again she zooms off, up and down the halls. As she passes the old man’s room for the third time, he jumps out, only this time he’s buck-naked and has an erection! The lady looks up from her wheelchair and says, “Oh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!â€
Gone Fishin’ (joke)
A couple was on vacation up in the woods. One morning, the husband got up before dawn, went fishing and returned, just as his wife was rising. While he slept, she decided to take his boat out to the middle of the lake and read. Unfamiliar with the lake, she picked a likely spot, anchored the boat, and started reading. Soon the game warden pulled his boat up alongside hers. “What are you doing, Ma’am?” he asked. “Reading my book.” “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but you’re in a no-fishing area; I’m gonna have to haul you in.” “What? I’m not fishing!” He replied, “Perhaps; but your boat is filled with fishing gear. You have the equipment. I’m afraid I’m just going to have to write you up!” Angry, she snapped, “If you do, I’ll charge you with rape.” The warden was shocked. “But I didn’t touch you!” To which, she replied, “Yes; but you have the equipment!”
Heaven Can Wait (joke)
They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!
Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
……
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
The Mormon and the Irishman
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
Shirley and the Ladies
Three senior ladies named Shirley, Robin, and Betsy were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher
approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Both Robin and Betsy had a stroke.
But Shirley, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Bless her heart.