Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Old Age Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

“Oh yes, she says, “I remember it well.” “OK,” he says, “How about we take a stroll around there and do it again for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy stunt, but it’s a good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them just so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.

You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Not really, fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”

The Purple Parrot (joke)

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

“Hey, bitch, “says the parrot, “bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!”

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again: “Goddammit, you lazy whore, where’s my whiskey? Hurry it up!”

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot’s drink.

Impressed with the parrot’s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

“Hey, slut, ” says the man, “get me a dry martini. And don’t drag your sorry ass – I want it right Now!”

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, “Ya know, for someone who can’t fly, you got a lotta balls.”

Modern Day Genie

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie… “You know how I work….You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” said the cowboy.. “I’m not going to trust a FEMA genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says…

“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything…………there’s going to be a string attached.

Two Jews Wait for the Train (joke)

Would you take this guy home?

While Moshe was waiting on the train platform, a younger Jewish man asked him for the time but Moshe ignored him. The young man asked again, but again Moshe ignored him. Finally, the frustrated young man asked, “Excuse me, but I’ve asked you for the time twice. Why are you ignoring me?” Moshe glanced over and replied, “Look, friend, we’re both waiting for the train. If I answer you, when we finally get on that train, you’ll probably sit next to me, we’ll start talking, and I’ll probably invite you home for Shabbat, where you’ll meet my daughter. You’ll like her and eventually want to marry her. And to be honest, why would I want a son-in-law who can’t afford a watch?!”

The High School Crush (joke)

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking:

“Surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With  A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School?

“Yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.

“When Did You Graduate?” I Asked.

He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”

“You Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “What Did You Teach?”

“Time Expired” Parking Meter on Grave (funny pics)

I got this from a lady online. A friend of hers died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says “Expired”. So her nephew got her one on eBay! She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and many people have stopped to get a chuckle.

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Irish Wedding (joke)

Now here an Irish joke with a twist you won’t expect!

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk. The bride’s and groom’s families wrecked the reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting. The next week, both families were in court. The judge asked, “All right now, what happened?” Paddy rose and said, “Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what happened.” “Go ahead, Paddy. Take the stand.” Paddy explaned, “Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced a third song. All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!” The shocked judge said, “By God, that must have hurt!” “Hurt?” replied Paddy, “He broke three of my fingers!”

Strolling through Golden Gate Park (joke)

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.  Seeing this  he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry,car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake.”

African Lion

A father took his seven-year-old son to the zoo. As they viewed the animals, his son pointed and said, “Look, Dad. There’s a frickin’ lion!” “What did you say?” asked his astonished father. “It’s a frickin’ lion!” People stared. Unsure how to respond, he asked, “Son, where did you come up with that?” The little boy replied, “It’s on that sign. See, Dad?” and he pointed to the sign on the fence reading, “African Lion.”

The Empty Store (joke)

Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, “I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.” Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys. Whacha sellin’?” One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling a$$holes.” Without missing a beat, he rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”