Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, “Good idea, but the sign says ‘No Dogs.'” The man with the golden retriever smiled and said, “No problem. Follow me and do what I do.” As he entered the bar, the bartender yelled, “Hey, buddy, no dogs allowed in here!” The guy replied, “Oh, he’s my seeing-eye dog.” So the bartender relented, but then he spotted the other guy. “I’m sorry, sir, but no dogs are allowed in my bar.” The second guy echoed the first, “But he’s my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender looked skeptical. “Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?” “What! They gave me a Chihuahua?!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Doctor’s Recommendation (joke)
The old gentleman was aging more rapidly than he wanted. “Your gout seems to be getting worse,” said his doctor. “Therefore, I recommend that you give up smoking, drinking and sex.” “What!? Just so I can walk a little better?”
Nuns in Town
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire ‘s Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
Golfing in the patch of buttercups (joke)
The husband’s tee shot went far right, while the wife’s went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of
buttercups. She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process,
she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere. “I’m Mother
Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste
of butter. Each time you eat it you’ll become nauseous.” Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, “Honey! Where are you?” “I’m over here …in the pussy willows.” She
screamed, “Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!”
Bear in the Bar (joke)
A bear enters a bar in Billings, Montana, sits at the bar, bangs down his paw and demands a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.” The bear roars in anger, “Serve me a beer or I’ll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender again says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.” True to his word, the bear goes to the end of the bar, eats the hapless woman, returns to his stool, sits down and again demands a beer. The bartender says, “We definitely don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings… who are on drugs.” The bear says, “I’m not on drugs.” The bartender says, “You are now. That was a bar-bitch-u-ate!”
The Newlyweds (joke)
The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. “Honey, tonight we’re gonna try something new.” “Oh, really? What’s left?” “68.” “68? What’s that?” “That’s where you do me and I’ll just owe you one!”
Naked with Cats
This is quite possibly the strangest picture I’ve ever seen. What do you make of it? Leave your comment below for the funniest caption!
Shaking Hands (joke)
Three elderly gentlemen were discussing how their hands shook. The first one said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I shaved his morning, I cut myself.” The second said, “My hands shake so bad that, when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced off my flowers.” The third said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that, when I took a p¡ss yesterday, I came!”
Are there any gators around here? (joke)
While sport fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators made him cling to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber on shore, he shouted, “Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” replied the old man. “Ain’t been none fer years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely to shore. About halfway, he paused to rest and shouted at the same old guy, “So what did they do to get rid of the gators?” “Didn’t do nothin’,” replied the beachcomber. “Sharks got ’em all!”
80 Year Old Man and God (joke)
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Chuck replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! The light goes on. When I’m done, POOF!
the light goes off.”
“WOW, That’s incredible” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck’s wife, Ethel.
He says, “Chuck is doing fine but I had to call you, as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, POOF! The light goes off?”
“Oh good Lord!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”