Category Archives: Irish Jokes

Ethnic Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

Two Irishmen A Fishin’

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Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”

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Irish Toast

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?”

John replied, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.? The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.? You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.? Once he fell asleep, and another time… I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Ethnic Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

Two Irishmen A-Fishin’

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Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s
provisions, Patrick stumbled upon an old lamp. Secretly hoping a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To Patrick’s amazement, a genie came
forth.? This particular genie, however, could grant only one wish, instead of the standard three wishes.? Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness beer!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as Patrick and Michael considered their
circumstances. Abruptly, Michael turned to Patrick, whose wish had been granted.

After a tension-filled moment, he spoke:? “Nice going Patrick, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!”

Ethnic Jokes, Friend Jokes, Irish Jokes, Jokes

Top prize at the Irish pub (joke)

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John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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An Irish Grandmother’s Advice (joke)

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A nice story – will make you appreciate family…however for most of us, it’s too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk…

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. “And always remember this thing,” she said. “Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“How come, Grandma?” I asked her.

She answered in her soft Irish voice. “Makes your dick look bigger.”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Church Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Irish Jokes, Sex Jokes

Irish Joke

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A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”

“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”