A man walked into a doctor’s office. The receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form with your name, address, and insurance number. When you’re done, take a seat.” Fifteen minutes later, the nurse’s aide came out, took him to the examining room and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown.” A half hour later, the nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” The doctor gave him a thorough examination and said, “I’ve checked you thoroughly. I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in my truck. Where do you want them?”
Category Archives: Jokes
Adrift in a lifeboat (joke)
Two Irishmen, adrift in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, spied a lamp floating nearby. They retrieved it, and, hoping against hope, rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie appeared. “I will grant you one wish,” said the genie. “One? What about three?” “One or none; take it or leave it!” Without thinking, Pat blurted out, “Turn the ocean into Guinness!” The genie clapped his hands as he disappeared and the entire sea turned into Guinness. As the beer lapped gently against the hull, Mike looked disgusted. “Dammit, Pat. Ya shoulda thought ahead. Now we’re going to have to pee in the damned boat!”
Two church members going door to door (joke)
Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith’s house. She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message. As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! Convinced the man must be sticking his foot in the doorway, she reared back to slam it hard enough to teach him a lesson, when he cried, “Ma’am, before you do that again, you really should move your cat!”
Save it for posterity (joke)
A mortician, working late one night, was preparing the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated. He was startled by the size of Schwartz’s penis. “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a penis like that. It should be saved for posterity.” And, with that, he removed the dead man’s penis, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home to show his wife. “Dear, I have something to show you,” he said, opening his briefcase. “Oh, my God!” screamed his wife. “Schwartz is dead!”
Honk if you love Jesus Joke
At the Christian bookstore I found a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I do, so I bought it, put it on my bumper, and then headed home. It’s a good thing I did because, while I was stopped at a red light, lost in thought about how good the Lord is, I didn’t notice the light change. Luckily someone else loved Jesus because, if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. Lots of people loved Jesus. A guy behind me started honking like crazy, then leaned out his window and screamed, “For the love of God, go. Go! Jesus Christ, lady, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader for Jesus! Soon he had everyone honking. I leaned out my window and waved at all the loving people. I even honked a few times myself to share the love. One guy yelled something about a sunny beach. Another waved in a funny way–I think it was a Hawaiian good luck sign, so I gave him that good luck sign back. Some folks were so full of joy that they left their cars and walked towards me. They probably wanted to pray with me but by then I noticed the light had changed, so I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection just as the light turned red again. I felt sad that they all had to stay behind after sharing all that love, so I leaned out the window and gave that Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord!
Cash4Gold Letter
This Cash4Gold letter is one of the funniest things I’ve seen! Can you imagine getting this in the mail? This guy seemed to be so proud of it that he framed it!
The man who would become pope (joke)
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?! ” After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola.”