Little Johnny was clearly upset. His father asked him what was wrong and Little Johnny said, “Mommy eats birds!” His father was dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? Mommy doesn’t eat birds!” Little Johnny replied, “Yes, she does. Last night, on my way to the bathroom, I heard noises coming from your bedroom and when I listened at your door, I clearly heard Mommy say, ‘Should I swallow it or let it fly?!’ “
Category Archives: Little Johnny Jokes
Little Johnny in the Kitchen
A mother was working in the kitchen while her 5-year-old son played with his electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son announce, “All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now! And all you bastards who want on, get your ass on the train ’cause we’re headin’ down the tracks!” The horrified woman ran into the living room. “You know we don’t use language like that in this house. Go to your room and stay there for two hours!” He hung his head and walked upstairs. Two hours later, he came back down. “Now, Johnny, you may play with your trains, but you must use nice language.” Soon the trains were running again and Mom returned to the kitchen. Then she heard the train stop and her son announce, “All passengers, please remember your things. Thank you for riding with us. We hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you boarding, remember: there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant journey with us today.” As she began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, you can see that bitch in the kitchen!”
Little Johnny and his Daddy in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Little Johnny and the Insects (joke)
Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no honey for a month!” Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them. His father yelled, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no butter for a month!” That evening, as Little Johnny’s mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, “You gonna tell her or should I?”
Little Johnny Viagra Joke
Think you’ve heard all the “little Johnny” jokes? Think again – this little Johnny joke was new for me in 2010!
“Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!’ “
Little Johnny and the worm
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father naked in the shower for the first time. He ran to his mother, screaming, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big hairy worm hanging out of his wee-wee!” “That’s not a worm, sweetheart,” reassured his mother. “That’s a part of Daddy’s body — a very important part. If your daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here…. And come to think of it, neither would I!”
My daddy sleeps neked
“Late again?” Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. “It ain’t my fault,” said Little Johnny. “This is my Daddy’s fault. I’m three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!” Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. “Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?” “Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote’s been hangin’ round the ranch lately. He’s killed six hens and Ma’s best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, ‘That coyote’s back again. I’m a’gonna git ‘im!'” He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin’! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin’ up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy’s behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!'”
Lil’ Johnny’s Homework
Lil’ Johnny asked his father for help with a homework assignment, “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” His father thought a moment, then said, “How about a demonstration? Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.” Lil’ Johnny was puzzled, but did as he was told. “Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” She looked around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face said, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.” Johnny then went to his sister’s room. “Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” His sister did not hesitate. “Omigod! Definitely!” Lil’ Johnny returned to his father. “Okay, Dad, I’ve got it. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars. But in reality, we are living with a couple of sluts.”
Little Johnny’s Moral (joke)
The Sunday School classes assignment was to prepare a story with a moral. Little Suzy went first. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market and one Sunday he hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the truck onto the road.” “And the moral of the story is…” Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” “Very good, Suzy. Now how about you, Mary?” Mary says, “My dad also owns a farm and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator and last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” “And the moral of the story is…” Lucy replies, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.” “Very good, Mary. Now how about you, Johnny?” And Johnny says, “My dad doesn’t own a farm, but my Uncle Ed fought in Vietnam and his plane was shot down over enemy territory and after the crash all he had to survive on was a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. So he drank the case of beer, but then a platoon of 100 Viet Cong found him. He shot 70 of them before his machine gun ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 when the blade on his machete broke so he had to kill the last ten with his own bare hands.” The Sunday School teacher was in shock. “What possible moral could there be to that story?” And little Johnny replied, “Don’t f*ck with Uncle Eddie when he’s been drinking.”
Little Johnny’s Savings (joke)
Little Johnny’s mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. “Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they’re married.” A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. “So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you ‘saving it’ for marriage?” Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. “I’m doing great, Mom! So far, I’ve got nearly a quart!”