They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!
Category Archives: Old Man Jokes
Old Age Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
“Oh yes, she says, “I remember it well.” “OK,” he says, “How about we take a stroll around there and do it again for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy stunt, but it’s a good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, “I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them just so there’s no trouble.” So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Not really, fifty years ago, that wasn’t an electric fence.”
The High School Crush (joke)
Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking:
“Surely I Can’t Look That Old.” Well… You’ll Love This One.
My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His DDS Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago. Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then? Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To have Been My Classmate. After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School?
“Yes. Yes, I Did. I’m A Mustang,” He Gleamed With Pride.
“When Did You Graduate?” I Asked.
He Answered, “in 1959. Why Do You Ask?”
“You Were In My Class!”, I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely. Then, That Ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat, Gray, Decrepit Son-of-a-bitch Asked, “What Did You Teach?”