A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, with a wonderful disposition, and it gave lots of milk and cream. Everybody loved it dearly. So the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, so they would never have to worry about milk again. They brought a bull to the cow’s pasture. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on and on. Finally, in desperation, the people asked the Rabbi what to do. “Rabbi, all day we’ve tried to mate our cow. But when the bull tried to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. And when the bull tried to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. What do we do???? The Rabbi asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk???? “Rabbi! You are so wise! How did you know we got the cow from Minsk???? Sadly, the Rabbi said, “My wife is from Minsk….???
Category Archives: Wife Jokes
You Don’t Love Me…
A couple was having dinner at home when the wife said, “You know, Fred, when we were first married, you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the larger. Now you take the larger one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more.” “Nonsense,” replied Fred. “You cook better now!”
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book
Who says men don’t remember anniversaries?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have gotten out today.”
Do You Have a Vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there
He asks the lady,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,
‘Do you have a vagina?’
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,
‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’
The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
‘Do you have vagina’?
‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.
The man replies..
‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
Dick Auction
Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “They gave those away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
Such a Loving Husband
Loving husband Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and
his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I
expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE.”
The next morning, Jeff got up really early before work. When his wife woke
up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough,
there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the
box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jeff is not yet able to have visitors.
The Maid Asks The Boss For A Raise
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”
Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your husband.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your husband.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Helen: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you.”
Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”
Helen: “No, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So, how much do you want?”
I Wish You Were A Book (joke)
“Jim, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” “Huh?” replied Jim. Judy moaned, “Look around you. Your head is always buried in some book. You don’t even know I’m alive!” Jim knew this wasn’t going to end well and said, “I’m sorry.” “You know,” Judy continued, “sometimes I wish that I were a book. Then at least you’d look at me.” Jim responded, “That’s a good idea. Then, every few days, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting! “
Wife’s Birthday (joke)
Two guys were talking at the bar. One said, “I didn’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything and what she doesn’t have she buys for herself. I asked a friend what to give her and he suggested a gift certificate for an hour of great sex, any way she wanted it.” “Great idea! Did you do it?” “Yeah.” “And did she like it?” “Yeah, that’s why I’m here, drinking alone. She loved it so much, she jumped up and down, thanked me, and ran out the door, yelling, “See you in an hour!”
Nine Words Women Use (joke)
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.
Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh.