Funny Jokes, Jokes

I hear they eat dogs… (joke)

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This is the classic immigrant joke…I can see this happening in New York City, can’t you?

Two foreign immigrants, newly arrived in the United States, noticed people lining up to buy food from a cart. “I’ve heard that people here eat dogs.” “Really?” said her friend, “But we’re in America, so we should do as Americans do.” They headed for the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she said. The vendor handed her two hot dogs wrapped in foil. They excitedly headed for a bench and unwrapped their meal. The first to open the foil blushed and whispered to her friend, “What part did you get?”

Connolly Hot Dog Roll-a-Grill
Connolly Hot Dog Roll-a-Grill
Roller Hot Dog Grill from Nemco features six rollers with a 10 dog capacity. Compact unit measures 13-3/4″ x 10″ x 7″ and has a 200 per hour capacity. Electric power – plug it in and go. Rugged stainless steel and aluminum construction. Individual chain drive mechanism reduces wear. Heat shrunk Teflon rings protect bearing areas from grease. Removable grease drip pan makes for easy cleaning. Available in non-stick silverstone or chrome roller grills. Bun box available seperately. 120V, 330 Watts, 3.0 Amps.

NEW! Hot Diggity Dog Costume KETCHUP - LARGE
NEW! Hot Diggity Dog Costume KETCHUP – LARGE
Turn any dog into a hot dog! The new Hot Diggity Dog costume features two plump, plush poppy seed buns with zig zag mustard along the back. A fabulous costume that would turn heads!Sizing Guide: Measure length of pet’s back from the base of the neck to the base of the tail. If the measurement is between sizes of if pet has a stouter build, we recommend selecting the next size up for a proper fit.Small: Up to 10″ Toy Poodle, Silky Terrior, Yorkshire Terrier, Boston Terrier, Chihuahua, Maltese, Pomeraninan, Jack Russell Terrier, Australian Terrier, Pug. Large: 14″ to 18″ Springer Spaniel, Brittany Spaniel, Border Collie, Dalmation.Easy to Put On and Take off Adjustable Elasticized Velcro Straps Secure and Comfortable Fit

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Police Jokes

Watchin’ for the cops (blonde joke)

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A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Too Good to Pass Up (joke)

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A man was enjoying an after-work drink in a bar when the exceptionally gorgeous sexy young thing entered. She was so striking, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She soon noticed his stare, approached him, looked deep in his eyes and purred, “Before you say anything, let me tell you I’m a professional. I’ll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with only one condition.” “Really? What’s the condition?” “You have to tell me what to do in exactly three words.” The man considered her proposition for only a moment before pulling out his wallet. As he counted five twenty-dollar bills into her hand, he then gazed deeply into her beautiful eyes and whispered, “Paint my house.”

Blonde Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

A blonde watches the news (joke)

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A blonde and a redhead were in a bar after work, watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump off a bridge. The blonde bet the redhead fifty bucks he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead took it. Sure enough, the guy jumped, so the blonde gave her friend the fifty. The redhead said, “I can’t take this from you; you’re my best friend.” The blonde said, “No, take it. A bet’s a bet.” The redhead said, “Wait. I have to confess. I can’t take your money; I saw this earlier on the five o’clock news.” The blonde said, “Well, so did I, but I never dreamed he’d jump again!”

Funny Jokes, Groaners, Jokes

Yard Work (joke)

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A woman was weed-whacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

Funny Jokes, Jokes

A Modern Fairy Tale

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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but she can’t. Fairy Godmother offers to help, but Cindy says, “Thanks, F. G., but I got squat to wear!” So Fairy Godmother drapes a tablecloth over Cinderella, waves her magic wand, and Poof! The tablecloth becomes a real hot black leather mini-dress. Cinderella says, “That’s cool, but my hair’s a mess!” So Fairy Godmother winds some twigs into Cinderella’s hair, waves the wand, and Poof! ‘Rella’s got a killer ‘do, long and wild looking. “Thanks, G-Mom, but what if I meet a guy? I got no protection!” So Fairy Godmother inserts a tiny pumpkin into ‘Rella’s appropriate place, waves her wand, and Poof! The pumpkin turns into an IUD. “Bitchin’! I’m ready!” Fairy Godmother says, “Remember, Cinderella: you must be home by midnight.” Cinderella says, “No sweat, Fair!” and heads to the party. Midnight comes, but no Cinderella. The clock strikes one, still no Cinderella. Finally, about three-thirty Cinderella comes straggling in, the ratty tablecloth over her shoulders and her hair full of twigs. Her Fairy Godmother chastises her. “Dammit, Cinderella! Just look at you! I told you to be home by midnight! What happened?” Cinderella replies, “I met this guy, Peter… Peter… something…”

Computer Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Only 4 Chutes (joke)

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One night, a small commuter jet was headed from Seattle to Vancouver with just four passengers: Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, the Dalai Lama, and a college student. Suddenly, there was an explosion and the plane filled with smoke. The cockpit door opened, the pilot hurried through the compartment, saying, “bad news. We’re going to crash and there are only four parachutes.” With that, he grabbed a parachute, threw open the door and leaped from the plane. Michael Jordan jumped to his feet. “Gentlemen,” he announced, “I’m the world’s greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes!” With that, he grabbed a parachute and hurtled out the door. Bill Gates rose and said, “Gentlemen, I am the world’s smartest man. The world needs smart men. Therefore, I’m taking one of the parachutes, too!” With that, HE grabbed one and jumped. The Dalai Lama looked at the college student. “My son,” he said, “I have lived a long and satisfying life. I have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life before you. You take a parachute. I will go down with the plane.” The college student just smiled, “Not necessary, man. The world’s smartest man just left wearing my backpack!”

Church Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Irish Jokes, Sex Jokes

Irish Joke

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A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”

“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Waiting on a Friend

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Chris went over to his friend’s house and rang the bell. “Hi, Nora. Is Tony home?” “No, he’s at the store.” “Well, do you mind if I wait?” “Of course not. Come in, Chris.” They sat down to kill a little time. Eventually Chris said, “Nora, I’ve always thought you have the best breasts I’ve ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks just to see one.” Nora considered this and figured, “what the hell; we could use a hundred bucks.” So she demurely opened her robe, exposing her left breast. Chris was impressed, thanked her and laid a hundred dollar bill on the table. They chatted a little more until Chris said, “That breast was so beautiful, now I’m just dying to see them both. I’ll give you another hundred bucks to see them both together.” Nora thought again and decided, “what the hell, he’s seen one…” so she dropped her robe, and gave Chris a nice long look. Again, he thanked her and tossed another hundred dollar bill on the table. “Well, I can’t wait any longer,” he said, standing. “Tell Tony I dropped by.” And he left. When Tony arrived home, Nora told him, “Your weird friend, Chris, stopped by.” Tony was surprised. “Oh, yeah? Did he drop off that 200 bucks he owes me?”

Alzheimer's Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes, Old Man Jokes

The Guessing Game (joke)

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An elderly man and woman are sitting all alone in the rest home when the man says to the woman, “Bet you can’t guess my age.” The woman replies, “Bet I can.” “Bet you can’t.” “Bet I can and I’ll prove it. Unzip your fly.” The man shrugs, but unzips his fly. The woman reaches in, feels around a little, then pulls out her hand. “You’re 83,” she announces. “That’s amazing!” says the man. “How did you know?” “You told me yesterday!”