All posts by topjokes

Chuck Norris Facts, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Chuck Norris vs. Johnny Cash – HILARIOUS

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I have half asleep until I read this, and then I was laughing my guts out! You have to read the original post to view all the hilarious comments (dozens and dozens) – but I just had to post this as soon as I read it. Thank you shoutwire for giving us “Ten Reaons why Johnny Cash Owns Chuck Norris”!! The Chuck Norris jokes were funny, but this is better!

Reason 1.
Only one man who has ever lived has been bad enough to be called “The Man In Black” and it wasn’t Chuck Norris

Reason 2.
Johnny didn’t have to fight to be a bad ass. He just had to pick up a beer bottle and a guitar.

Reason 3.
Norris made a bunch of films where he killed folks. Johnny Cash went to Folsom Prison and did a concert. You tell me which one takes more balls.

Reason 4.
Chuck wasn’t the first of his kind to kick ass. Johnny was the first rock star to set something on fire. While most artists only set their hotel rooms on fire, Johnny took it one step further and burned down half a national forest.

Reason 5.
When Chuck was five, he was a normal five year old. Johnny had already earned man points by working in his dad’s cotton fields. That is a true bad ass. By the time he was six, Cash did more hard work than most men do in their whole life.

Reason 6.
Chuck never got stabbed in the back by a woman. Johnny never stopped bleeding. Chuck may have gotten punched a few times, but Johnny knew what real pain was.

Reason 7.
Chuck is a republican. Johnny was close with every president except for GWB. It was said he just didn’t trust that son of a bitch. When Johnny didn’t trust someone, you just knew something foul was going on.

Reason 8.
Johnny was invited to play the at White House in 1972 for Richard Nixon. He was given a list of politically correct songs to sing. He instead metaphorically threw up his middle finger at the establishment, in true ShoutWire fashion, and sang a set full of left leaning, politically charged tunes. Chuck Norris has never told the president to fuck off in his own house.

Reason 9.
Chuck Norris made a lot of crappy movies. Johnny Cash never touched anything that didn’t turn to gold. In the 80’s, he made a song called “Chicken in Black” to get himself out of a record deal. Even that became popular.

Reason 10.
Johnny is the only man in history to decline painkillers after a double bypass heart surgery. He knew he liked drugs too god damn much and wouldn’t stop. That shows power over an addiction previously not seen before. Kicking a ninja’s ass is easy compared to kicking a drug’s ass.

Computer Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Bill Gates and his Old Friend

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A guy ordered a drink in an airport cocktail lounge and suddenly realized that sitting across from him was Bill Gates. Barely concealing his enthusiasm, he introduced himself, “Hello, Mr. Gates. My name is Larry. You don’t know me, but I’d like to ask you for a small favor.” A wary Gates asked, “And what might that be?” “I’m meeting with a potential client here in a few minutes and if I can sign this deal, it could change my whole life. All I ask is that you walk over and greet me like an old friend. Perhaps my client will be impressed enough to swing the deal.” Relieved, Gates said, “Sure. I can do that for you.” A few minutes later, as the man sat talking with his client, Gates finished his drink, walked over to them, and said, “Hey, Larry! I thought that was you. How’ve you been?” And the guy replied, “F*¢k off, Gates! I’m in a meeting here!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna (joke)

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s gone.”

Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Santa jokes

Hilarious Letters from Santa (and replies – NOT FOR KIDS!)

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Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend,

Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?

Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set
you up with a Barbie.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?

Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.

Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad
just likethe boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Three guys go to heaven (joke)

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Three guys die and go to heaven, where they stood before St. Peter. St. Peter asked the first guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replied, “Why, I have NEVER cheated on my wife!” St. Peter is pleased. “That’s good,” he said. “Here’s a limo for you to drive around heaven.” St. Peter then asked the second guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He replied, “Honestly? At most, five times.” St. Peter frowned. “That’s not so good,” he said. “I can only give you a motorcycle to ride around heaven.” St. Peter then asked the third guy, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?” He breaks down, sobbing, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have cheated on my wife at least fifty times.” Seeing his tears, St. Peter takes pity. “You seem remorseful, so I’ll give you this bicycle to ride around heaven.” Later, the three run into each other again. Both the bicyclist and the motorcyclist are happy, but the guy in the limo is crying. “Why are you sad? You got the limo!” And the guy said, “I just saw my wife go by on Rollerblades.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny’s Gambling Addiction (joke)

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It was little Johnny’s first day in school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny’s urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. “Oh, everything is going very well.” She said. “I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit.” The father asked her what had happened. “The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear.” She said. “I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher’s lounge to show him that I had no mole.” “Damn!” The father said. “He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher’s ass before the day was over.”

Church Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

It sure beats pork (jewish joke)

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An Irish priest and a rabbi shared a compartment on a train. The priest opened the conversation by saying, “I know that your religion doesn’t allow you to eat pork. But, have you ever actually tasted it?” The rabbi replied, “To tell the truth, I’ve succumbed occasionally. Now in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but….” The priest smiled and replied, “Oh, I know what you’re going to ask. Yes, I’ve succumbed occasionally over the years.” There was a moment of silence. Then the Rabbi said, “Sure beats pork, doesn’t it?”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Old Lady Jokes, Old Man Jokes

Fart Football

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An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
“Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
“Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
“Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got,

And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”

Church Jokes, Ethnic Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

A Priest and a Rabbi buy a car (joke)

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A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m blessing it with holy water,” said the priest. A few minutes later the rabbi came out of the synagogue carrying a hacksaw. He walked to the back of the car and cut off about two inches of tailpipe.

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Thanksgiving Jokes

The Parrot and Thanksgiving

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s out stretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the Turkey did”

Happy Thanksgiving