All posts by topjokes

Compensation for Willy

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says: ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.’

‘You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, everything is OK but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.’

The bloke perks up at this.

‘So the thing is’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.

‘I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

‘So’ says the doctor ‘Have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have.’ says the fellow.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘She has’ says the bloke.

And what is it?’ asks the doctor…

‘We’re having a new kitchen!’

Sitting on the bus

So I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”

“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”

“Because we’ve got no teeth”, she replied.

“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.

“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”

Hunting Joke

Four guys had planned their deer hunting trip for months but, shortly before the big date, Ron’s wife changed her mind. His buddies were disappointed, but what could they do? Yet, when they got to the trailhead, there stood Ron. “Dammit, man. How did you talk your wife into letting you go?” “Well, last night she put on a skimpy nightie and pulled me into the bedroom, which was lit only by candlelight. She even had handcuffs and ropes! She said, ‘Tie me to the bed’, so I did. And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’ So, here I am!”

Bear Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof and then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.” He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

California Lawyer in Montana (joke)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from California and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Butte, Montana. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Montana deputy’s expense.

The deputy says,’ License and registration, please.’

‘What for?’ says the lawyer.

The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’

Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’

‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’

The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’

‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh** out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’

Too Quick in the Saddle (joke)

A middle-aged businessman married a young woman half his age. But the fantasy of a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well, even if he was a little quick in the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited his doctor. “Doc, when I make love to my young wife, I can’t hold back very long and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?” The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer.” “Okay, Doc, if you think that’ll help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be waiting at the front door to attack him when he got home. “Be prepared, darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? It was too risky.

As he drove home, he decided to find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the car, pretending to inspect it, and do his deed there. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes tightly and began his “therapy.” A few minutes later, as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining his fantasy, he said, “Yes?” “Police! What are you doing?” “Uh, I’m inspecting my rear axle.” “Well, buddy, while you’re down there, you’d better check your brakes too cause your car just rolled down the hill!”

Pricing a Lexus

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn’t pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, ‘Good day, Ma dame. How may we help you today?’

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? ‘

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, ‘Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’ll shit when you hear the price.’

Getting home late (joke)

Leaving the poker party late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool her,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine, coast into the garage, slip off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom… but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.” “You’re doing it wrong, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little?’ and she always pretends to be asleep!”

The Intruder (joke)

A young married couple was sleeping in their bedroom when an escaped convict broke into their house and tied up at gunpoint. The husband whispered to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in her skimpy nightgown, “Honey, he just escaped from prison. He hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just go along with anything he wants. Our lives depend on it! If he wants to have sex, just go along and pretend you like it.” His wife hissed back through her gag, “I’m glad you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a great ass!”

I Hurt All Over (blonde joke)

“Doc, you’ve got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”