An Irish golfer slices his tee shot into the woods. Looking for it, he finds it near a tiny man lying near a bush with this huge knot on his head. The golfer revives the leprechaun. When he awakes, he says, “I will grant you three wishes.” The man replies, “I want nothing from you. I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you.” and walks away. The leprechaun says, “He was a nice guy and, after all, he did catch me. I should do something nice for him. I’ll just give him the three most common wishes: unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.” A year later, the same golfer hits a great shot on the same hole on the same course, but decides to check out the woods anyway. Sure enough, there’s the same leprechaun. “How are you?” he asks. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! How’s your golf game?” “It’s great! Every round I’m under par!” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun. “And how’s your financial condition?” “Amazing. Ever since I met you, every time I reach into my pocket, there’s money there.” “I did that for you, too!” responds the leprechaun. “So how’s your sex life?” Now the golfer looks at the ground. “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored. “Once or twice a week?! That’s all?” “Well, that’s not too bad for a small town Catholic priest!”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
It’s just a statue (joke)
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard the garage door open. “Hurry!” she cried. “Stand in the corner!” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move,” she whispered. “Pretend you’re a statue.” When her husband entered the bedroom, he asked, “What’s this, honey?” “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths have one in their bedroom. I liked theirs so much, I got us one, too.” Nothing more was said, and they both went to sleep. About 2:00 AM, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned shortly with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said, giving the food to the statue, “you may as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody even offered me a glass of water!”
What’s a Penis joke
Little Johnny and Mary were playing in the backyard when Mary asked, “Johnny, what’s a pen¡s?” “I don’t know,” replied Little Johnny, “but I’ll ask my dad. He knows everything.” Little Johnny found his father in the bathroom and asked his question. “Well, son, it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He pulled down his pants and displayed his member. “Johnny, that’s a pen¡s. In fact, that’s a perfect pen¡s.” Little Johnny thanked his dad and returned to the backyard. “Well,” asked Mary, “did your daddy know?” “Yes,” replied Little Johnny, “But it’s hard to explain. Why don’t I just show you?” He led Mary into the garage, dropped his shorts and said, “Mary, this is a pen¡s… and if it was three inches shorter, it would be a perfect pen¡s!”
This one looks like yours (joke)
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his neck. “What happened?” “I was playing golf with my wife when she sliced her ball out of bounds and into a cow pasture. We went looking for it and, after a while I noticed one of the cows had something white near its tail. I walked over, lifted up its tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! And that’s when things went horribly wrong.” “What happened?” asks the doctor. “I lifted its tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, honey! This looks like yours!'”
Golfing in the patch of buttercups (joke)
The husband’s tee shot went far right, while the wife’s went far left. She finally found her ball in a patch of
buttercups. She took several practice swings and then hit a nice ball back onto the fairway, but in the process,
she hacked the hell out of the buttercups. As she returned to her bag, a woman appeared out of nowhere. “I’m Mother
Nature and I resent the way you treated my buttercups. As punishment, from this moment on you will hate the taste
of butter. Each time you eat it you’ll become nauseous.” Mother Nature then vanished as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife yelled to her husband, “Honey! Where are you?” “I’m over here …in the pussy willows.” She
screamed, “Hold your swing! HOLD YOUR SWING!!”
The Newlyweds (joke)
The newlyweds were enjoying breakfast in bed. “Honey, tonight we’re gonna try something new.” “Oh, really? What’s left?” “68.” “68? What’s that?” “That’s where you do me and I’ll just owe you one!”
The Seven Dwarfs are Voyeurs
Snow White was sleepy and told the seven dwarfs she was going to bed. After the usual seven “Good Nights!” she went upstairs. Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and stood on each other’s shoulders beneath her bedroom window. Since tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on top, he was the only one who could see inside so it was his duty to describe exactly what he saw to the others. He reported, “She’s taking off her blouse.” and this was echoed down the stack, “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” “She’s taking off her blouse.” Then Grumpy said, “She’s taking off her skirt!” which was again echoed, “She’s taking off her skirt!” “She’s taking off her skirt!” etc. Then Grumpy reported, “She’s taking off her bra!” which echoed, “She’s taking off her bra!” on down the pile. “She’s taking off her panties!” Ditto. Finally, Grumpy looked around and, from his vantage point, saw a stranger heading towards them from out of the woods. He said, “Someone’s coming!” And down the line of dwarves was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too….”
Why it’s no fun to be a penis (joke)
Why It’s No Fun To Be A Penis: You’re bald your whole life; you have a hole in your head; your neighbors are nuts; the guy closest to you is an a$$hole; and everytime you get excited, you throw up and then faint!
Little Johnny on the fence
Little Johnny was sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walked up and asked Johnnie what he was doing. Johnny replied, “I’m watching that bull screw that black cow.” The preacher was shocked. “John, you shouldn’t use that word. Instead, say the bull is going to ‘surprise’ the black cow.” “Okay.” The preacher continued on his walk. The next Sunday, the preacher was shaking hands with his parishioners as they left church when Little Johnnie appeared with his parents. The preacher bent down, smiled, and asked, “So, Johnnie, did that bull ‘surprise’ the black cow?” Johnnie replies, “He sure did! He f*¢ked the white one!”
The police in the pumpkin patch (joke)
Police arrested a 22-year-old white male in a pumpkin patch at 11:42 PM Saturday and charged him with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The judge asked the arresting officer what happened. The officer explained, “I was driving past the pumpkin patch when I saw the defendant satisfying himself on a large pumpkin. He seemed really into it, since he failed to notice my car lights, or me walking up behind him. I said, ‘Excuse me, sir, but are you screwing a pumpkin?'” The judge asked, “And what did the defendant say?” “He looked up at me and said, ‘Pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?!'”