A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and  said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience  on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get  into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.   Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed…

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse….alone.”

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!”

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20″ cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy sighs and says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!”

Two young men stood before a judge, due to be sentenced for smoking dope. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men and I’d rather give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out and show others the evils of drug use and talk them into giving up drugs forever. Be back here on Monday.” Next Monday, the judge asked the first guy, “How did it go?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.” “17 people? That’s pretty good. How did you do it?” “I drew a simple diagram with a big circle and a small circle and I told them, ‘This big circle is your brain before drugs. This small circle is your brain after drugs.'” “Admirable,” said the judge, then turned to the second guy. “And how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.” “156! That’s amazing! How did you do it?” “I used a similar approach. I drew a small circle and a big circle and I told them, ‘This small circle is your a**hole before prison…'”

The nursery school teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsey!” one child answered. “And this?” “A piggy!” “And now this?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: What does Mommy call Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?” “I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”

A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”