A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Bambi’s Sore Throat (blonde joke)
“You don’t look so good today, Bambi,” said Barbie. “You’re right,” said Bambi. “I feel like I’m coming down with something. My throat really hurts.” Barbie suggested, “You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great.” Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. “You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?” Bambi replied, “I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn’t believe that it was your idea!”
The Elevator Ride
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20″ cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy sighs and says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!”
Eagles Mate for Life
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin’ of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!? I am a DOVE I want to love!
Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was…well ….. you know ….
No …… the DUCK didn’t say THAT!!!!!? That’s an awful thing to think!
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!
Community Service
Two young men stood before a judge, due to be sentenced for smoking dope. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men and I’d rather give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out and show others the evils of drug use and talk them into giving up drugs forever. Be back here on Monday.” Next Monday, the judge asked the first guy, “How did it go?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.” “17 people? That’s pretty good. How did you do it?” “I drew a simple diagram with a big circle and a small circle and I told them, ‘This big circle is your brain before drugs. This small circle is your brain after drugs.'” “Admirable,” said the judge, then turned to the second guy. “And how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.” “156! That’s amazing! How did you do it?” “I used a similar approach. I drew a small circle and a big circle and I told them, ‘This small circle is your a**hole before prison…'”
Guessing Game
The nursery school teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsey!” one child answered. “And this?” “A piggy!” “And now this?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: What does Mommy call Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?” “I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”
Try a new drink
A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
The Godfather (joke)
The godfather was dying. He summonded one of his godsons and said softly, “Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything. I worship you.” The old man’s eyes narrowed. “I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.” The lad looked around uneasily. “I dunno, boss. That’s kinda embarassing. ” “Who raised you as if you were my own? This one thing you can’t do for me?” The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, “One more request?” “Sure, godfather. Anything.” “Do it again!” “What? I just did it.” “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can’t do this one little thing for me?” Again he agreed and was soon back. “Okay, I’m done.” “One last request. Do it once more.” “I don’t understand, godfather. Why?” “What? You can’t grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside. “I did it but, please, no more. I got nothing left.” “Good!” said the old man, handing him his car keys. “Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!”
The Breakfast Note
John woke up with an enormous erection so he reached over to his wife’s side of the bed but Heather was already downstairs fixing breakfast. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote this note, called their son, and asked him to take it to Mommy: “The tent pole is up / The canvas is spread / The hell with breakfast / come back to bed.” Heather replied with a note of her own: “Take the tent pole down / Put the canvas away / The monkey had a hemorrhage / No circus today.” John scribbled a quick reply: “The tent pole’s still up / And the canvas still spread, / Drop what you’re doing / And give me some head.” Heather’s response? “‘Tho your pole may be / The best in the land / I’m too busy now / So do it by hand!”
Mommy Eats Birds (joke)
Little Johnny was clearly upset. His father asked him what was wrong and Little Johnny said, “Mommy eats birds!” His father was dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? Mommy doesn’t eat birds!” Little Johnny replied, “Yes, she does. Last night, on my way to the bathroom, I heard noises coming from your bedroom and when I listened at your door, I clearly heard Mommy say, ‘Should I swallow it or let it fly?!’ “