A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Smart Blonde and the Lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
What Size Do You Need? (joke)
A man walked into a country store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if they sold condoms. Noticing his unease, she decided to have a little fun. “What size do you need?” she asked. “Uh, I don’t know. Size?” “They come in three sizes. This happens all the time. Don’t worry. We have three knotholes in the fence out back you can use for sizing. Just go put it to the test.” When he did, she sneaked out the backdoor and was waiting for him by the fence. When he put it through the first knothole, she gave him a hand job. When he put it through the second hole, she gave him oral sex. And when he put it in the third hole, she pulled down her pants and did him herself. When they were finished, she ran back into the store. After a while, he finally came back in. “So? What size do you need?” she asked. He answered, “None, but I would like about 8′ of that fence!”
Little Johnny Viagra Joke
Think you’ve heard all the “little Johnny” jokes? Think again – this little Johnny joke was new for me in 2010!
“Children, please name a medicine and what it is used for,” said Mrs. Johnson. The first student said, “Tylenol.” “Very good! And what is Tylenol used for?” “It’s for headaches.” “Excellent. Anyone else?” Another pupil said, “Nytol.” “Excellent. And what is Nytol used for?” “It helps you go to sleep.” “That’s right. Johnny? Do you know a medicine?” Little Johnny thought a moment and then said, “Viagra.” “Uh, okay, Johnny. What is Viagra used for?” “I think it’s for diarrhea.” “Diarrhea? Who told you that?” “No one, but the other night I heard my mom tell my dad, ‘Take a Viagra and maybe that little sh*$ will get harder!’ “
After the Wedding Night
Three buddies got married on the same day and at the same hotel. During the receptions, the three guys met up in the bar. “Guys, it’s our wedding night and, uh, I was wondering, er, ah, how many times are we supposed to do it?” Discussion ensued, and finally ended with an agreement to just see how things go and meet up the next morning for breakfast. One groom said, “Wait. We can’t discuss our wedding night performances over breakfast with our new wives there.” “You’re right. Let’s just order one slice of toast for every time we did it.” “Excellent idea!” The next morning, the brides and grooms staggered to their tables and the waitress came to take their orders. The first groom said, “I’ll have the full breakfast with three slices of toast, please.” The other two grooms smiled at his prowess. The second groom ordered, “I’ll have the full breakfast but with four slices of toast.” The third groom grinned and said, “I’ll have the full breakfast, please, but I’ll have…” and here he paused for effect, “seven, yes, seven slices of toast!” “Seven slices of toast, sir?” queried the waitress. “That’s an awful lot.” “Yes it is, young lady, yes it is. But seven slices of toast it shall be…. And, by the way, make two of those, brown!”
Send me back!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.? Send me back!”
St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back…as a chicken.”
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh?> How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside.? Like I’m gonna explode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster.
“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg. His joy was overwhelming!
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re sh#$@ing in the bed!”
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” she said. But when she unpacked her suitcase and found the wrong nightgown, she gasped, “Oh! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” And he called through the bathroom door, “I thought you said no peeking!”
What’s your GPA?
Near the end of the season, the college football player decided to celebrate the end of team curfew at a late night party. He soon spied a beautiful co-ed and eased into conversation by asking, “Meet many dates at parties?” She replied, “Oh, I have a 3.9. I’m more attracted to the strong academics than party animals. What’s your G.P.A.?” Grinning, the jock boasted, “24 in the city and about 30 on the highway!”
The new robot secretary
Jim the techogeek was admiring John the technogeek’s new acquisition. “John, that new robot secretary of yours is cool!” “Glad you like her. She’s the latest model.” “How does she work?” “Easy. Squeeze her left breast and she takes dictation. Squeeze her right breast and she types a letter.” “Wow! Cool.” “Would you like to try her out?” “Sure!” They moved the new robot into an empty office and John left Jim alone with her to experiment. Suddenly, Jim’s screams of pain could be heard throughout the office! “Eeeeyaaaaa! ” John rushed in. “Jim! Did I forget to tell you that she also has a built-in pencil sharpener?!”
My daddy sleeps neked
“Late again?” Miss Crabtree scolded Little Johnny. “It ain’t my fault,” said Little Johnny. “This is my Daddy’s fault. I’m three hours late cause Daddy sleeps naked!” Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for over thirty years but had never heard that one before. “Exactly what does that mean, Johnny?” “Well, Miss Crabtree, a coyote’s been hangin’ round the ranch lately. He’s killed six hens and Ma’s best goat. So last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and told Ma, ‘That coyote’s back again. I’m a’gonna git ‘im!'” He told us kids to stay inside and he ran out naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt, no nuttin’! He crawled out to the hen house, stuck his shotgun through the window of the chicken coop. As he tried to see into the dark coop, our hound dog came sneakin’ up behind him and stuck his cold nose right up Daddy’s behind! Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin!'”