An elderly woman wobbled her way into a sex shop, approached the counter and, holding on to it for support, she asked the clerk, “Dddooo youuuu ssssssell dddddiilllldosss?” Trying hard not to break out laughing, the clerk replied, “Yes, ma’am, we do. Actually we have quite a variety of different models.” She asked, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?” The clerk responds, “Yes, we do.” “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Honeymoon on the Train
Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel, Luigi and his new bride, Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train. Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip. Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down. That train has’a too many rules!” “What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend. “Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket. The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’ So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car, eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’ So we go to club’a car. While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar. An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again, waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’ So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed. And we were just about to have’a sex when that conductor come’a through yelling, ‘No’folk’a, Virginia!'”
Something to Hang on To
A dentist said to his patient, “This is just a shot to numb your jaw before we pull that tooth.” The patient replied, “No, don’t! I’m afraid of needles.” The dentist said, “Okay, I’ll use gas to put you to sleep.” The man said, “No, you can’t. I’m allergic to nitrous oxide.” The dentist said, “Hmm. I’ll be back in a moment. Let me look for something else.” A few minutes later he returned with a couple of blue pills. The guy asked, “What’s that? It looks like Viagra.” The dentist replied, “It is Viagra. It won’t lessen your pain, but they’ll give you something to hang onto while I pull that tooth!”
The Movie Score (joke)
Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, he couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play. The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno and it was out now. Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater. He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding. The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he’d ever seen… halfway through a dog even got in on the action. Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, “I’m only here for the music.” The woman looked back and whispered, “It’s okay. We’re just here to see our dog!”
Little Johnny and his Daddy in the woods
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…..
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Little Johnny and the Insects (joke)
Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no honey for a month!” Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started torturing them. His father yelled, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no butter for a month!” That evening, as Little Johnny’s mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, “You gonna tell her or should I?”
The Whistling Doctor
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I got embarrassed when I had to perform a pelvic exam. To cover my embarrassment, I unconsciously whistled softly. Suddenly the middle-aged lady upon whom I was working laughed, which further embarrassed me. I looked up and said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No, doctor, but did you realize you were whistling, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’?”
The Roadside Cafe
A man stopped at a roadside café, sat down at the counter, and was surprised by the Daily Specials sign: “Cheeseburger $7, Chicken Sandwich $8, Hand Job $20.00.” When the attractive waitress came to take his order, he asked, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purred, “and I’m good, too!” The man replied, “Well, wash your hands and bring me a cheeseburger! “
Cleanup at checkout 3!
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
Smart Blonde and the Lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.