A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door again. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About an hour.” The guy leaves. The barber says to one of his buddies in the shop, “Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill returns. The barber asks, “So, Bill. Where did he go?” Bill replied, laughing hysterically, “To your house!”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
I ain’t Touchin’ It (joke)
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall. Bob went into the restroom and saw a man standing at the next urinal with no arms. As he started to take care of business, he wondered how the armless man was going to do his business. As Bob finished, the man asked Bob for help. A kind soul, Bob said, “Sure, I’ll help you. What do I do?” The man said, “Unzip my zipper.” Bob did. “Pull it out for me.” Bob did. It was red, with scabs and scars, and it smelled awful. “Point it for me.” Bob did… and when he was done, Bob shook it, put it away, and zipped it up. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.” Bob said, “No problem. But what’s wrong with it?” The guy pulled his arms out of his shirt and said, “I dunno, man, but I ain’t touching it!
What’s the Hurry?
An airline pilot announced over the intercom, “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve reached our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet, and it looks like we’re going to be right on time. Thank you for flying with us.” Then, wrongly believing he had switched off his microphone, said, “Take the wheel, will ya, Jim? I’m gonna go take a dump and then screw that new stewardess!” The stewardess heard this and ran to the cockpit to inform the captain that the microphone was still on. Halfway up the aisle, she tripped, and fell flat on her face. A sweet little old lady leaned over her and said softly, “What’s the hurry, hon’? He said he was gonna take a dump first!”
The Co-Ed Gets a Checkup
The co-ed was in her doctor’s office for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, he noticed a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asked the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, another co-ed came in for a checkup. When she took off her blouse, the doctor noticed a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he asked. “Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love.” A few days later, a third girl came in for her checkup. When she removed her blouse, he noticed a green “M” on her chest. “I assume you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” he asked. “No,” said the girl, “I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”
A Penguin driving his Cadillac
Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, “it’ll be a couple of hours before I can check it out.” And the penguin replies, “I’ll head across the street and check out that grocery store.” He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin blushes and replies, “Oh, no! That’s just vanilla ice cream.”
Vasectomy gone wrong (joke)
During a vasectomy, the surgeon slipped and cut off one of the man’s testicles. Hoping to avoid a malpractice suit, he replaced the missing testicle with an onion. When the patient came in for a follow up, he said, “Everything’ s fine, doc, but my sex life has changed.” “How?” asked the anxious doctor. “Well, doc, whenever I pee, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”
The Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to tell her that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails the top part. Then his grandmother writes, asking for a current photo of himself in his new location. Again, he cuts a photo in half, but this time sends the wrong half by accident. When he realizes that he sent the wrong half he is worried, but, remembering how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, figures she won’t notice. Sure enough, grandma’s next letter says, “Thanks for the photo. Change your hairstyle…it makes your nose look too short!”
Hanging the Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry in their backyards. Often two of the women’s laundry gets wet, but it seems like Sophie’s laundry never gets wet. “How do you do it, Sophie? How come you never put out your laundry on days when it rains?” “Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, so I hang out my wash. But if his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.” “But, Sophie,” asks one of the women, “What if it’s pointing up?” “Honey,” replies Sophie, “on a day like that, I don’t do laundry!”
Good Lord – She’s Fainted!
Mr. and Mrs. Smith had tried for years to have a child, with no luck. They decided to hire a “proxy??? father. On the day the proxy was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. He should be here soon.??? A few minutes later, a door-to-door baby photographer chanced to ring the doorbell, hoping for a sale. “Good morning, madam,??? he began his pitch. “You don’t know me, but I’m here to…??? “Oh, there’s need to explain,??? Mrs. Smith cut in. “Come right in.??? “Really???? said the photographer. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.??? “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please sit down. Now, where do we start???? asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.??? “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn’t worked for Harry and me.??? “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.??? “I hope we can get this over with quickly,??? gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.??? “Ain’t it the truth!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and spread out his portfolio of baby pictures. “This was done on the courthouse steps downtown.??? “Oh, my God!??? Mrs. Smith exclaimed. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.??? The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult???? asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.??? “Four and five deep???? asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes,??? the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could barely concentrate. As darkness approached, I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.??? Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, eh, equipment???? “That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.??? “Tripod???? now Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried. “Oh, yes. I have to use a tripod to hold up my Canon. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she’s fainted!???
Randy the Rooster
A farmer’s last rooster dies leaving his 200 hens unable to produce chicks. He logs onto roosters.com, finds a highly-touted and high-priced specimen, clicks “order??? and the next day, FedEx delivers a rather ordinary looking rooster named Randy. Before releasing Randy to the chicken coop, the farmer tells him, “You were one danged expensive rooster and I’ve got a couple hundred chickens here for you to service, so take your time and do a good job.??? Randy acts as if he understands, but as soon as he is released he attacks the hens with a vengeance, working his way through the entire flock, not just once, but three times without pause! The farmer can’t believe his eyes. Then Randy runs out of the hen house, sees a flock of geese down by the lake and services all the geese. The farmer is distraught, worrying that his expensive rooster won’t make it through the night. Sure enough, the next morning when the farmer wakes, he sees Randy lying dead, buzzards circling overhead. As the farmer bends over to retrieve his costly loss, he shakes his head and says, “Damn it, Randy! Didn’t I tell you to pace yourself???? Randy opens one eye, looks at the circling buzzards and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer.???