A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong? Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” “I might ah trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Poor Little Rich Girl
The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?” “I carried you upstairs, Ma’am, and put you to bed.” “But my dress?” “It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet.” “But what about my underwear?” “I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.” “What a night!” she sighed. “I must have been tight!” “Only the first time, Ma’am!”
The Parrott with X-Ray eyes (joke)
Three female roommates got a parrot. Every morning when they passed before it, the bird pronounced three colors. One day, it said, “Yellow, blue, black.” The next day, “Pink, white, blue.” Finally, one of them realized those were the colors of their underpants. She mentioned it to the others, but they didn’t believe her. So the next day, as a test, they all wore black panties. Sure enough, the parrot said, “Black, black, black.” They were astonished. The next morning they decided to trick the bird by wearing no underwear at all. When they passed before the parrot, it looked puzzled but clearly said, “Straight, curly, shaved!”
Little Johnny at the Mall
Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, “Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!” His mother was so embarrassed. “John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!” For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, “Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses? “
The old Scotsman
An old Scotsman was talking to a young man in a pub. “Laddie, look out at that field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I worked for months, but do they call me MacGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man pointed to the bar. “Laddie, look here at this bar. Do you see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor. I worked on it for weeks. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Woodworker? Nooo.??? Then the old man points out the other window. “Laddie, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me brow. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is listening. “But, ya screw ONE goat…???
You Look Depressed…
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. He’s totally depressed. “Sure I may have led a wild life,??? he thinks, “but I wasn’t this bad. I can’t believe it’s come to this!??? Hell’s admissions counselor notices his heavy heart. “What’s the matter, buddy? You look depressed.??? “Well, what do you think? I’m in Hell, aren’t I???? The counselor replies, “Well, yeah, but it’s not so bad. We have lots of fun here. Do you drink???? “Well, yeah, I drink.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as you want. And no hangover, either—because you’re dead! You’re gonna love Mondays. Do you smoke???? “Well, yeah. I smoke.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer either—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs???? “Well, maybe a little, back in college.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have all you want of anything you want. And you don’t have to worry about ODing or becoming addicted—because you’re dead, remember? Yeah, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. Do you gamble???? “Well, sure. I like to gamble.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day, all night, blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And you never have to pay a bookie—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay???? “What? Hell, no!??? “Oh. Well then, you’re gonna hate Fridays….???
The mightiest sword joke
Once upon a time, a king decided to hold a contest to see who at his court had the mightiest… “weapon.” One knight proclaimed, ” ‘Tis I!” dropped his pants, tied a 5-pound weight to it. His weapon doth rose. The crowd cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. A second knight stood, cried out, “No, ’tis I!,” dropped his pants, and tied on a 10-pound weight. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove the superiority of their weapons, the king spoke. “Mine is truly the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 5-, nor a 10-, but a 20-pound weight to his member. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played “God Save the Queen!”
Two Little Old Ladies
Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or the extra-large size for $10,000. Talk it over with your wife and let me know.??? When the doctor returned, he found the man staring at the floor. “My wife says she’d prefer a new kitchen.???
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!??? At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough???? and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!??? Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.??? “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!???