An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be???? The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same???? asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,??? says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too… but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.??? And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket???? “Well,??? says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.??? “Oh, yeah???? asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for???? “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’??? “That’s brilliant,??? says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!??? “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.??? The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…??? The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.???
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
Marrying a Virgin
Tom’s dream to marry a sweet, innocent virgin came true when he met Jane. Even after they had gone together for months, he decided to test her. One night in the car, he unzipped his fly, and said to her, “Want to see my wee wee?” She yelled, “No. No! Zip your fly!” Tom was overjoyed. The night they got engaged, he tried the same thing and got the same result. Then, on their wedding night, when they were finally alone in the hotel room, he unzipped his fly again and said, “Honey, now that we’re married, you can see it,” and pulled it out. She just stared at it. “Oh, what a sweet wee wee!” Tom said, “Darling, we’re married now. You don’t have to call it a wee wee anymore. You can call it a cock.” She looked at it again and then back up at him. “No, Tom, that’s a wee wee. A co¢k is long and thick!”
Marriage Counseling
A married couple went to a marriage counselor to work out their problems. The counselor began, “Let’s talk about something you have in common.” The husband replied bitterly, “In common? Well, neither one of us likes to suck dick!”
Change to Tax Code – New Tax
2007 Tax Code
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!? HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed according to size. (Thanks to our new speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi) The brackets are as? follows:
10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $300.00…
8 – 10″ Pole Tax $250.00…
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $150.00…
3 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $30.00…
Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
Anyone fewer than 3 inches is eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
A Blonde buys a Dildo
One day this guy comes to work at a dildo shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.
About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks “How much for your black dildos?”
The guy says “30 bucks”
“And how much for your white dildos?” asks the lady.
Again the man says “30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white”
So she takes the black one and leaves.
A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks “How much for your white dildos?”
The man responds “30 bucks”
She asks “And how much for your black dildos?”
“30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black” replies the man.
So she takes the white one leaves.
About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks “How much are your dildos?”
The guys says “All our dildos are 30 bucks”
Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask “How much for that plaid one?”
The man responds “Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250”
The blonde agrees and takes it.
Later that day the boss come back and asks “So what did you sell today?”
The man says “I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and your thermous flask for $250!”
OUCH!
Voodoo Dick
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.
“Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …” said the old man, and then he stopped.
“Except what?” asked the businessman.
“Nothing, nothing,” said the old man.
“C’mon, tell me! I need something!” protested the businessman.
“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick,'” the old man said.
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”
The old man said, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”
He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!”
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, “I’ll take it!”
The old man resisted and said it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, “Voodoo dick, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”
Dick Auction
Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “They gave those away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”
Black Panties
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly
calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said
she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for
six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first
night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a
pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but
down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the
same–she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday
suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences…”
First Time Sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.? Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time .? The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.? That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.? A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”? The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
Texans
You Texans are gonna love this…
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.? ? Once
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How
dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!” The Texan smiled
and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after
you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”