A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can’t tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
Category Archives: Dirty Jokes
A Grammar Lesson
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?” The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned — it will not work again for another year!”
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.”
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life … just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.
Who shot the beaver?
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.? He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?
The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.”
The doctor said, “My point exactly.”
Raffle At Work (joke)
A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”
The Courtship joke
Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty…”
Two Whales in the Ocean (joke)
A male and female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan when they passed under the very whaling ship that killed the male’s father five years before. Excited at the chance to exact revenge for his father’s death, the male says, “Let’s swim right underneath the ship and expel air through our blow holes until we capsize their boat. That ought to make them think twice about killing innocent whales!” The female whale agrees and together they manage to sink the whaler. But their celebration is short-lived when they notice most of the sailors are swimming to shore. “Let’s gobble them up!” cries the male. “No way,” says the female: “I agreed to the blow job, but there’s NO WAY I’m swallowing seamen!”
The Personal Ads (joke)
A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking fellow standing there had no arms or legs! “I’m the guy from the ad in the paper.” “Yes, but, but,” she protested. “Oh, you’ve probably noticed my physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no arms, I can’t hit you. Since I have no legs, I can’t run around on you.” She considered all this. “Well, perhaps. And you are handsome. But, can you satisfy my needs?” she said. He replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?!”
Little Billy the Quick Thinker (joke)
The grade school teacher had a new game for her pupils. She told them, “I’m holding something behind my back that’s long and hard and has a pink tip.” I quickly raised my hand. “Is it a pencil, teacher?” “No, lil’ Billy,” she said, “but I like the way you’re thinking.” Billy put his hand in his pants and said, “Teacher, I’m holding something in my pocket that’s round and hard and has a head on it.” She cried, “That’s it! You’re going straight to the principal’s office, Billy!” “Wow,” said Billy, “it’s only a quarter, but I like the way YOU’RE thinking!”
Nuns Final Confession (joke)
Nuns are expected to make one final confession before being admitted to Heaven to become angels. When several nuns died together in a car accident, they formed a line waiting to be absolved of their sins before being made holy. “And so,” asked St. Peter of the first nun, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?” “Well, ” she replied, “Once I did touch just the tip of one with the tip of my finger.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” The next nun admitted, “Well, once I sort of massaged one a bit.” “Okay,” said St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into Heaven.” Suddenly there was a jostling in the line. “What’s going on here?” St. Peter asked as two nuns jockeyed for position in line. “Well, your excellency, if I’m gonna have to gargle, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in!”
Little Lucy and the dead Cat (joke)
Little Lucy found her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs stiff in the air. “Daddy! What’s wrong with Tiddles?” Daddy gently said, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.” “But why are his legs sticking up in the air, Daddy?” asked Lucy, as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say, he replied, “Well, ah, Tiddles’ legs are pointing up because that makes it easier for Jesus to pick her up and take her back to heaven.” Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death pretty well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy almost died this morning!” “What? What happened, Lucy? Tell Daddy!” “Well,” mumbled Lucy, “this morning I found Mommy lying on the kitchen floor with her legs straight up in the air, shouting, ‘Oh, Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!’ It’s a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she’d have gone to heaven!”