A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate their anniversary. The taxi arrived, and, just as they started out the door, their dog shot back into the house. They didn’t want the dog shut inside all night, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband took care of the dog. The wife, not wanting it known that their home would be empty all evening, explained to the driver, “My husband will be here in a moment. He’s just saying good-bye to my mother.” When the breathless husband finally climbed into the cab, he said, “Sorry I took so long, but I had to poke that stupid bitch with a coat hanger to get her to come out from under the bed! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!” The silence in the cab was deafening.
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
The “Good Old Days” (joke)
This grandmother joke will have you laughing for days…
A grandmother was telling her granddaughter about the “good old days.” “When a gentleman and lady were interested in each other, eventually they would start ‘spooning’.” The young girl asked, “Why did they call it ‘spooning,’ grandma?” And Grandma replied, “I guess because it sounded better than to say we were out ‘forking!’ ”
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes
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The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes–an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted or easily offended. This unique and up-to-the-minute compendium features thousands of politically incorrect jokes covering every topic from Alzheimer’s to Zoos. Among the themes are Accidents, Adultery, Australians, Breasts, Cannibals, Cowboys, Drunks, Farting, Flight Attendants, Foreplay, Honeymoons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Marriage, Masturbation, Nuns, Old age, Orgasms, Parrots, Priests, Sodomy, Surgery, Therapy, and, of course, Viagra.
The Computer Shop
A man’s printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop. A friendly young man informed him, “Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.” Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, “Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually, it was my boss’s idea,” said the young employee. “He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!”
Telling the Truth
Once upon a time, there was a little country boy who lived in a home without indoor plumbing. The little boy hated their outhouse because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and smelled gross all year long. One boring day, after a huge spring rain made the creek rise nearly to the outhouse, he decided to push the evil thing into the creek. He pushed and pushed until he got it rocking back and forth and finally it toppled into the creek and floated away. That night, his dad confronted him. “Someone pushed our outhouse into the creek today. Tell the truth, son. It was you, wasn’t it?” “Yes, dad, it was.” “Then tonight, after dinner, you and I are heading for the woodshed.” “But, dad,” argued the boy, “in school we learned that when George Washington was little, he chopped down a cherry tree and he didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” His dad replied, “Well, son, that may be, but George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”
Try a new drink
A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Bob Who? (joke)
A blonde guy was drinking with an Italian buddy. The Italian loved to play tricks his friend. He asked the blonde, “You remember Bob, don’t you?” The blonde guy replied, “Bob who?” The Italian laughed, “Bob up and kiss my ass, blondie!” The next day the blonde told a co-worker this this story and the co-worker responded, “Why don’t you get him back? Ask him if he remembers Aileen. He’ll say, ‘Aileen who?’ and then you say, “I lean over and you kiss my ass!’ ” The blonde thought this was great. That night, after work, he waited in the bar for his Italian buddy to come in. He was barely when the blonde asked, “So, you remember Aileen, don’t you?” The Italian thought a moment and said, “Aileen… Aileen… you mean the Aileen who’s married to Bob?” And the blonde guy said, “Bob who?”
Hoping for a boy (joke)
This joke is for all of you that might have been hoping for a boy…
After the birth of his daughter, Mr. Abram was brooding in the waiting room. Noticing his gloom, the obstetrician said, “Excuse me, Bill, why the long face?” Mr. Abram looked up, “To tell ya the truth, Doc, I didn’t really want a daughter. I was hoping for a kid who had, ya know… a penis.” The doctor patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Bill. In eighteen years, she’ll have as many as she wants!”
The Godfather (joke)
The godfather was dying. He summonded one of his godsons and said softly, “Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything. I worship you.” The old man’s eyes narrowed. “I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.” The lad looked around uneasily. “I dunno, boss. That’s kinda embarassing. ” “Who raised you as if you were my own? This one thing you can’t do for me?” The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, “One more request?” “Sure, godfather. Anything.” “Do it again!” “What? I just did it.” “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can’t do this one little thing for me?” Again he agreed and was soon back. “Okay, I’m done.” “One last request. Do it once more.” “I don’t understand, godfather. Why?” “What? You can’t grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside. “I did it but, please, no more. I got nothing left.” “Good!” said the old man, handing him his car keys. “Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!”
Zebra at the Farm (joke)
A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals. She went up to a fat brown thing and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow.” “What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, “What are you?” “I’m a stallion.” “What do you do?” “How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I’ll show you!”
The locket
Mrs. Darnelle noticed the beautiful locket hanging around Mrs. Lewellen’s neck. She asked, “Mrs. Lewellen, does your locket carry a memento?” “Yes, indeed,” answered Mrs. Lewellen, “a lock of my William’s hair.” Mrs. Darnelle looked surprised. “But your husband is still alive.” “That he is, but his hair is long gone!”