A man’s wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including “comfortable underwear.” Worried he’d make the wrong choice, he asked, “But how will I know which ones are comfortable? ” She answered, “Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put ’em back!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Avoiding Stress (joke)
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”
The Breakfast Note
John woke up with an enormous erection so he reached over to his wife’s side of the bed but Heather was already downstairs fixing breakfast. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote this note, called their son, and asked him to take it to Mommy: “The tent pole is up / The canvas is spread / The hell with breakfast / come back to bed.” Heather replied with a note of her own: “Take the tent pole down / Put the canvas away / The monkey had a hemorrhage / No circus today.” John scribbled a quick reply: “The tent pole’s still up / And the canvas still spread, / Drop what you’re doing / And give me some head.” Heather’s response? “‘Tho your pole may be / The best in the land / I’m too busy now / So do it by hand!”
Throwing away nails
Carol and Bambi volunteered to help side a house for Habitat for Humanity. Bambi, the blonde, noticed that Carol, the brunette, occasionally tossed a nail over her shoulder instead of driving it. “Why are you throwing away nails, Carol?” Carol explained, “Because some of them have the head on the wrong end.” Bambi replied, “Maybe they’re for the other side of the house!”
Mommy Eats Birds (joke)
Little Johnny was clearly upset. His father asked him what was wrong and Little Johnny said, “Mommy eats birds!” His father was dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? Mommy doesn’t eat birds!” Little Johnny replied, “Yes, she does. Last night, on my way to the bathroom, I heard noises coming from your bedroom and when I listened at your door, I clearly heard Mommy say, ‘Should I swallow it or let it fly?!’ “
The exam
Larry went to his urologist for his exam but was surprised to learn his doctor had a new partner, a gorgeous female urologist. She explained that she was going to handle his prostate exam. “Larry, please lie on your right side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Larry did so. Then she said, “Okay, now roll over onto your left side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Again, Larry did so. Then she said, “Very good. Now lie on your back with your knees slightly elevated. I will check your prostate with one hand I hold your penis with my other hand. Good. Now take a deep breath and say ‘one hundred.'” Larry said, “One… two… three…”
The Sex Shop
An elderly woman wobbled her way into a sex shop, approached the counter and, holding on to it for support, she asked the clerk, “Dddooo youuuu ssssssell dddddiilllldosss?” Trying hard not to break out laughing, the clerk replied, “Yes, ma’am, we do. Actually we have quite a variety of different models.” She asked, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?” The clerk responds, “Yes, we do.” “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe fffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”
No Sex Checkup (joke)
A man complained to his doctor that his wife never wanted to have sex. The doctor told him to bring her in for a checkup. When she arrived, the doctor asked her about her libido. “Well, doctor,” she replied, “the truth is that every morning I take a cab to work and the cabbie always asks me, ‘So are you gonna pay today or what?’ And since we don’t have much money, I always give him the ‘or what’ which makes me late for work so my boss yells at me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary or what?’ And since we need the money, I always give him the ‘or what.’ By the time I get home, I don’t feel like having any more sex.” “Hmmmmm,” thought the doctor, “I see. So, are we going to tell your husband about this, or what?”
The World’s Best Dirty Jokes
Price: $10.43
Each of us has laughed at one or more of the great classics– whether it was the one about the elephant and the canary or the one about the travelling salesman and the farmer’s daughter. Good taste , as it was interpreted by the censors, did not allow the collection and publication of these funniest dirty stories. And so they have been told aloud, passed from mouth to mouth and sometimes from generation to generation. Things have changed. And so, a few years ago, Mr. J. decided to gather together the very best– the very funniest– from the large crop of dirty jokes. Dirty isn’t, of itself, funny. A good dirty joke is often graphic and sometimes shocking. But it is always amusing and often causes hilarity. The final crop of jokes was selected by 12 separate judges. Only those jokes that brought cheer and laughter to the heart were permitted to remain. Some of the stories will be familiar to you. None will be heard on radio or television. But all are designed to make you smile– and, with a little practice, you can make others laugh, too.
Thomas and the Talking Dog
Thomas and his dog entered a bar. The bartender said, “No dogs allowed.” Thomas replied, “But, sir. Rover is a talking dog.” The skeptical bartender said,, “Prove it and he can stay.” Thomas said to the dog, “Rover, tell him what you want to drink.” Sure enough, Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender said, “No way! You’re a ventriloquist.” Thomas responded, “If you don’t believe me, how about if I go to the bathroom and you can ask him yourself.” So he did and the bartender asked, “Well? What’ll ya have?” Rover clearly said, “Gimme a beer.” The bartender was still skeptical, so he pulled a ten-dollar bill from the register and told Rover, “This is yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing.” When Thomas came out of the bathroom, he asked, “Where’s my dog?!” The bartender said, “I sent him across the street to another bar.” Furious, Thomas ran out of the bar, and found Rover out on the curb, banging a sexy poodle. Thomas shouted, “Rover! Rover? What are you doing? You’ve never done this before!” And Rover said, “I’ve never had ten bucks before!”
Honeymoon on the Train
Back in the glorious days of luxury train travel, Luigi and his new bride, Virginia, honeymooned in Florida by train. Upon his return, Luigi stopped by the Italian-American Club in his old neighborhood and all his friends wanted to hear the details about his trip. Luigi said, “Ever’thing was’a perfect except for da train ride’a down. That train has’a too many rules!” “What’a you mean, Luigi?” asked a friend. “Well, it’sa like ‘dis. We board’a da train atta Grand Central Station. My beautiful’a Virginia had packed a big’a basket a food an’ vino an’ cigars for da trip. Ever’thing was okay until we got’a hungry and I opened up’a Virginia’s lunch’a basket. The conductor come by, wagged his’a finger at us and’a say, ‘No eat in dese’a car. Must’a use’a dining car.’ So, me and my Virginia we go to da dining car, eat our big’a lunch and open’a our bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his’a finger and say, ‘No drink’a in dese’a car. Must’a use’a club’a car.’ So we go to club’a car. While we drink da vino, I light’a my big’a cigar. An’ don’cha know that same conductor came by again, waggin’ his a’finger and say, ‘No smoke’a in dese’a car. Must’a go to smoker car.’ So we go to da smoker car and I smoke’a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car and’a we go to bed. And we were just about to have’a sex when that conductor come’a through yelling, ‘No’folk’a, Virginia!'”