A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Bambi’s Sore Throat (blonde joke)
“You don’t look so good today, Bambi,” said Barbie. “You’re right,” said Bambi. “I feel like I’m coming down with something. My throat really hurts.” Barbie suggested, “You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great.” Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. “You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?” Bambi replied, “I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn’t believe that it was your idea!”
The Elevator Ride
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20″ cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy sighs and says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!”
Pecans in the Cemetary
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, “said one boy.? Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.? Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard!? Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth.? Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
The Chipmunks
Three guys were out in the woods bear hunting. One of the guys says “I am going to sit by this tree”.
Knowing the first guy was new to hunting, the other two guys say to him, “Whatever happens, don’t say a single word”.
So the man sitting by the tree agrees with the other two so they start walking somewhere else to sit. Then just as they were about to sit down, they here the other guy scream. They run back to the man that they left behind. When they get there the man is still sitting by the tree.
Confused, the two men said, “Why did you scream? We told you not to say anything no matter what happened.”
The guy looks the other two right in the eyes and says, “When that snake crawled over my legs, I didn’t scream. When that bear growled right in my face, I didn’t scream. But I could hold it no longer when them two chipmunks crawled up my pantlegs and said to each other, “Do we eat here or take them to go?”
The Son of a Bitch Fish
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’
‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’
‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’
‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’
‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’
‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
‘What are you doing Sister?’
‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’
‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’
‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’
Please form 2 lines
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
The old man and the waiting room
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Monkey Language
A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed.? As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You can understand what I’m saying?”asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Well, did you see what happened?”
The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.? The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.
“‘They were smoking marijuana too?” asked the officer.
The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers
“So they were playing around as well!?” asked the astounded officer.
Again, the monkey nodded.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.
The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.
Eagles Mate for Life
Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary his darlin’ of 10 glorious years. He went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK but all the DOVE would say is I am a DOVE I want to Love!? I am a DOVE I want to love!
Well this got on Harry’s nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He found a very sexy LOON and brought her back to the nest, again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is, I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon! Egads, out with the LOON.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was…well ….. you know ….
No …… the DUCK didn’t say THAT!!!!!? That’s an awful thing to think!
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!