A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator. “What are you doing???? The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator. “What are you doing???? She replied, “Dad, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing???? He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law!???
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Sperm Count Sample
The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar. “What’s this???? the doctor asked. “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand—but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand—still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand—nothing. Then she tried with her left hand—nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out—still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too—and still nothing.??? The doctor was shocked. “Your neighbor???? “Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t get that damned jar open!???
How Much Does it Cost??
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost???? “Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,??? replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.??? With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and packaged the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill.???
You Look Depressed…
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. He’s totally depressed. “Sure I may have led a wild life,??? he thinks, “but I wasn’t this bad. I can’t believe it’s come to this!??? Hell’s admissions counselor notices his heavy heart. “What’s the matter, buddy? You look depressed.??? “Well, what do you think? I’m in Hell, aren’t I???? The counselor replies, “Well, yeah, but it’s not so bad. We have lots of fun here. Do you drink???? “Well, yeah, I drink.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as you want. And no hangover, either—because you’re dead! You’re gonna love Mondays. Do you smoke???? “Well, yeah. I smoke.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer either—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs???? “Well, maybe a little, back in college.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have all you want of anything you want. And you don’t have to worry about ODing or becoming addicted—because you’re dead, remember? Yeah, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. Do you gamble???? “Well, sure. I like to gamble.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day, all night, blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And you never have to pay a bookie—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay???? “What? Hell, no!??? “Oh. Well then, you’re gonna hate Fridays….???
Financial Troubles
Brandi the blonde is in such serious financial trouble that she decides to ask God for help. She prays, “God, I lost my business and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my car. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. Again she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business and now my car and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my home. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But again, Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. In desperation she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business, my car, and my home and if I don’t get some money soon, my children will starve. Please, God: just this once, help me get my life back in order. Let me win the Lotto!??? Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, a roar of thunder, the heavens open and Brandi hears the voice of God Himself! “Brandi, my child! Meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!???
One Beautiful Sunday Morning
One beautiful Sunday morning, when the church was full of faithful parishioners, Satan appeared in a burst of flame! Everyone screamed and ran for the exit, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. Satan bellowed, “Don’t you know who I am???? The man replied, “Yep, sure do.??? Satan roared, “Aren’t you afraid of Satan???? “Nope, sure ain’t.??? Satan was perturbed. “And why do you not fear me???? The old gentleman replied calmly, “Been married to your sister for over 40 years.???
The mightiest sword joke
Once upon a time, a king decided to hold a contest to see who at his court had the mightiest… “weapon.” One knight proclaimed, ” ‘Tis I!” dropped his pants, tied a 5-pound weight to it. His weapon doth rose. The crowd cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. A second knight stood, cried out, “No, ’tis I!,” dropped his pants, and tied on a 10-pound weight. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove the superiority of their weapons, the king spoke. “Mine is truly the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 5-, nor a 10-, but a 20-pound weight to his member. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played “God Save the Queen!”
Time for Your Temperature
A big-shot businessman with an extremely high opinion of himself had to spend a few days in the hospital. The nurses despised him because he bossed them as if they were one of his employees. Finally the head nurse came into his room and announced, “Time for your temperature. Roll over!??? “What? No way!??? “I’m sorry, sir,??? she said, “but this time, we can’t use an oral thermometer.??? This started another round of complaints as he rolled over and bared his butt. After inserting the thermometer, she announced, “I have to go get something. Just stay like that until I return!??? and left his room, leaving his door wide open. Time passes. He curses every time he hears people laughing outside his door. After nearly an hour, a doctor enters his room. “What are you doing???? asked the doctor rudely. Angrily, the businessman answers, “What do you mean, ‘what am I doing?’ You’re the doctor. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken???? The doctor chuckles. “Not with a carnation!???
Buying furniture (joke)
A young furniture salesman approached the elderly lady. “Is there anything particular I may show you?” he asked. “Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.” “Do you mean a sectional sofa?” he asked. “Sectional, schmectional, ” she retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
How Little Suzie Sees It
Little Suzie was walking with her grandmother when they saw two dogs having sex. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. Grandmother was embarrassed, so she answered, “The dog on top has hurt his paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” Suzie considered this a moment and then asked, “Dogs are just like people, aren’t they, Grandma?” “How do you mean, Suzie?” “Offer someone a helping hand and they’ll screw you every time!”