Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Getting sick in church (joke)
A little boy, sitting in church with his mother, started to feel queasy. “Mom,” he whispered, “I think I’m gonna be sick!” “Quick, go out the front door of the church, go around back, and throw up behind a bush.” A minute later, the little fella returned to his seat. Mom whispered, “So, you didn’t have to throw up at all, did you?” “Yes, I did. And now I feel better.” “You did? How did you get back here so quickly?” “Oh, I didn’t have to go outside, Mom. There’s a little box by the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’!”
Overweight Blonde Joke
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I’d thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
Saying the Longest Grace Ever
A girl tells her boyfriend that if he’ll have dinner with her parents on Friday night, afterwards she’ll give him her virginity. The boy is ecstatic. Friday after school he heads for the pharmacy to stock up on condoms. Confused by the wide variety, he asks the pharmacist for help. The older man tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and their proper usage. The boy decides to buy a 10-pack, since it is first time and all. That night, his girlfriend leads him to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly volunteers to say the blessing. He bows his head and prays and prays. One minute, five minutes, ten minutes pass, and still the prayer goes on. Finally, after fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious!??? The boy turns and whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!???
Foul Mouth
Two Italian men get on the bus and sit in front of an well-dressed woman. At first she is able to ignore their conversation, but she is offended when she overhears one man say, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two more asses, they come together again. Then I come again and pee twice. Then I come-a once-a-more.??? “You foul-mouthed swine,??? huffs the woman indignantly, “In this country we don’t describe our sex lives in public!??? “Hey, coola down, lady,??? said the man. “I’m-a just tellin’ ma friend how ta spell Mississippi!???
Military Draft Joke
Back in the days of the military draft, a young man vowed to fail his induction physical. When the doctor ordered him to read the eye chart, he answered, “What eye chart?” “The one on the wall!” said the doctor. “What wall?” Sensing a deadbeat when he saw one, the doctor ordered his beautiful young nurse to strip and walk into the room naked. “Now what do you see, son?” “I can’t see a thing, Doc. I must be as blind as a bat.” “Well, you may not see anything, but your d¡ck is pointing you straight to Fort Benning! Welcome to the Army, soldier!”
Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, “I want some Polish sausage. The clerk takes a long look at him. “Are you Polish???? The guy says, “Well, yes, I am. But if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? If I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German???? The clerk says, “No.??? “Well, then, why did you ask me if I’m Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage???? The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store!???
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible auto accident that chopped off his penis. He went to the penis transplant hospital where a doctor examined him, pronounced him a perfect candidate for transplant surgery, and asked him what sort of replacement he desired. “We have your former size for $3,000, a medium size for $6,000, or the extra-large size for $10,000. Talk it over with your wife and let me know.??? When the doctor returned, he found the man staring at the floor. “My wife says she’d prefer a new kitchen.???
They Grow Them Big Down in Texas
A sweet young clerk at a big city store approached a rather large man in the men’s department. “May I help you???? she purred. “Why, yes, ma’am. I wanna buy a complete outfit of them city clothes.??? Her eyes lit up. “Excellent. Shall we begin with a new suit???? “Why, shore ma’am. 53 tall.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “And a shirt and tie to go with it???? “Why, shore ma’am. 19½ 38.??? “Wow, that’s big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? “How about some shoes and socks???? “Why, shore ma’am. 15 double D.??? “Wow, that’s big too.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big in Texas.??? “And a new hat???? “Why, shore ma’am. 9-5/8.??? “Wow, that’s really big.??? “Yes, ma’am. They grow them big down in Texas.??? She got him all decked out, rang up the sale and, as the Texan was counting out his money, couldn’t help but ask, “Sir, I don’t mean to be forward, but I wonder if I could I ask you a question???? “Why, shore ma’am. I already know what it is. And the answer is: 4 inches.??? She blushed slight, but blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!??? Without a blink, the Texan replied, “Really, ma’am? Thick????
The Funeral Procession
A woman walked out of Starbucks with her morning coffee and was taken aback by an unusual funeral procession. One long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse, which was followed by a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash, who was followed by at least 200 more women in a long single file. Her curiosity got the better of her, so she respectfully approached the woman with the dog. “I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sure this is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it???? “Well, that first hearse contains my husband.??? “Oh, I’m so sorry. What happened to him???? “My dog here attacked and killed him.??? “That’s terrible. But, who is in the second hearse???? “My mother-in-law. She tried to help my husband, but my dog turned on her, too.??? A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Could I borrow your dog???? “Sure. Get in line!???