A little boy in a big fireman’s hat was riding down the sidewalk on his toy fire truck, being pulled by a big old ugly dog. Unfortunately, since the boy had tied the rope around the dog’s privates, the truck was going rather slowly. A man noticed this and gently said, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if you tied the rope to your dog’s collar.??? The boy nodded in agreement. “Maybe so, but then I wouldn’t have a siren!???
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Teetering on the Edge
A young Seattle woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Elliott Bay. Standing on the docks, staring at the frigid water, crying, she was teetering on the edge when a handsome young sailor passing by saw her, realized her plight and grabbed her arm just in the nick of time. “Miss, don’t do it. You’ve got so much to live for. Look, I’m off to Japan in the morning, and if you like, you can stow away on my ship. I promise to take good care of you and bring you food every day.??? He slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy…and you can keep me happy. Okay???? She considered this a moment, then nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor sneaked her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he faithfully brought her food and drink. She repaid his kindness the only way she knew how: they made passionate love all night. Two wonderful weeks passed until the Captain discovered her during a routine inspection. “What are you doing in here???? the Captain demanded. “Uh, I have an arrangement with one of your sailors,??? she explained bashfully. “He’s taking me to Japan and giving me free food and drink…and he’s screwing me.??? “He sure is, miss,??? said the Captain. “This is the ferry to Bremerton!???
Just Slip One In…
A woman complained to her friend that her husband was losing interest in sex. Her friend told her she should get him on Viagra. “Oh, Henry would never take anything like that! He’s too proud.??? “Here, just take some of mine. Slip one into his mashed potatoes at dinner tonight and he’ll never know what hit him!??? At dinner, she thinks, “Maybe one won’t be enough???? and slips in a handful. The next day, she called her friend. “You were right. It worked great! I slipped a bunch of them in his potatoes just like you said, and, not five minutes later, he jumped up, raked the dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped off my clothes, and made wild, passionate love right there on the table!??? Her friend was worried. “Oh, dear. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so many.??? “Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway!???
How’ve You Been Grandpa?
A man visited his 85-year-old grandfather in the nursing home. “How’ve you been, grandpa???? he asked. “Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses take such good care of me. Why, every night they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill and I sleep like a log.??? The man went to see the head nurse. “What’s going on here???? he asked. “Grandpa says you’re giving him Viagra on a daily basis now. Surely that’s not true!??? “Oh, yes,??? replied the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock he gets a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill.??? “But why? A man of his age???? “Well, the hot chocolate makes him sleepy and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed!???
No Sex Since 1959
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1959, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking Everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1959!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1959!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I Hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
(Don’t ya love military time?!)
The Irishman’s Three Wishes
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.??? To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!???
Somebody Get Me A Priest
A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man???? The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…???
Exact Change
An Australian bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman regards the newcomers with skepticism, but asks, “What’ll it be???? The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? The man reaches into his pocket, wriggles his hand around, and, to the barman’s great surprise, pulls out exactly three-forty. The next night the man, the ostrich, and the cat enter the same bar. The bloke says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a pint.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a pint, but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves their pints. “That’ll be three pounds forty, please.??? Again, the bloke pulls the exact amount out of his pocket. On the third night, the trio comes in near closing. “The same???? asks the barman. “Nah, it’s getting’ late,??? says the bloke. “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The ostrich says, “I’ll have a double scotch.??? The cat says, “I’ll have a double scotch too… but I ain’t payin’!??? The barman serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be seven pounds twenty, please.??? And once again, the man pulls out the exact change from his pocket. As the barman is closing up, he can contain his curiosity no longer and asks, “Hey, Mack, there’s something I’ve got to know: how in the hell do you always pull the exact change out of your pocket???? “Well,??? says the man, “A few years ago when I was cleaning my attic, I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and offered me three wishes.??? “Oh, yeah???? asks the now-skeptical barkeep. “What did you wish for???? “My first wish was ‘If I ever need to pay for anything, I want to just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there.’??? “That’s brilliant,??? says the barman. “Most people’d ask for a pile of money, but your way means you’ll ‘ave all you need for as long as you live!??? “Right. So whether it’s a pint or a Rolls Royce, I’ve always got exact change.??? The barman pauses and then says softly, “One more thing, mate. What’s the deal with your friends there? We don’t get many cats or ostriches drinkin’ in ‘ere…??? The man looks glum. “Yeah, I know. That’s probably the worst thing I did, getting stuck with them forever! You see, my other two wishes were for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.???
How Dumb Is She?
A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing their wives. The Canadian says, “My wife must be the dumbest woman in the world. She bought $900 worth of meat at a supermarket sale, and we don’t even have a freezer!??? The Scotsman says, “That’s nothing! My wife bought a new car, and she can’t even drive!??? Not to be out-done, the Aussie says, “My wife is even dumber. Last week she left on her two-week holiday and she packed 20 condoms! And she don’t even have a penis!???