When Cardboard Men Come In Handy! A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn’t very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, What’s going on here?” “My car broke down, officer” says the woman calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?” he asks. “Helllooooooo!!!!” says the blonde. “Those are my emergency flashers!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Ditto Christmas Lights
The neighbor with the ditto Christmas lights must’ve been fed up with the neighbors having the huge display all these years (lol).
Confessions
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!??? Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.??? From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.??? This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!??? The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!???
I’d throw it all into the river
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? With greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river.??? And finally he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!??? As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.???
The Man, the Girlfriend, and the Cowboy (joke)
A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire. As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered, “Hey, you! Get off that horse and change my tire.” The cowboy lit his cigarette and ignored him. “Hey! I told you to change my tire. If you don’t, I’ll kick your a$$!” The cowboy glanced up and said softly, “Tell you what, feller. First, I’m going to finish my smoke. Then I’m going to get down off this horse, kick your a$$, and make you change your own tire while I play with your girlfriend. And when you’re done, I’m gonna make you hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I do it to her.” Later, driving away, the girlfriend said, “That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn’t he, baby?” The boyfriend replied, “Naw, he wasn’t that tough. Did you see him flinch whenever I dropped his balls in the sand?”
A Young Farm Couple
A young farm couple got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong? Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home agin.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” “I might ah trained her too good. I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started!”
Google Autocomplete WTF pic
Again another WTF with this Google autocomplete image. To think that people really had to type this in to get these embedded as Google suggestions:
The Irish Good Samaritan
Paddy Reilly and his wife were awakened at 4:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door. Paddy gets up and goes to the door where an inebriated stranger, standing in the pouring rain. is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says Paddy, “It’s 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” says Paddy.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No I did not. It’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well. You have a short memory,”says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and these two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
Paddy does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out in the dark: “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes” comes the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out Paddy.
“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks Paddy.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.
WTF image – the best
I’ve seen a lot of WTF pics, but this one takes the cake. Really – what’s going on here? Is this a contest to see who can be the best swiffer? Is it a weird animal imitation? Or yet another example of how Asian people do really weird stuff?
Poor Little Rich Girl
The poor little rich girl awoke after a long night out on the town with her friends. She found herself totally naked and with a monster of a hangover, so she rang for her butler and ordered a strong cup of black coffee. When he delivered it, she said, “Jeeves, I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?” “I carried you upstairs, Ma’am, and put you to bed.” “But my dress?” “It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I removed it and hung it in your closet.” “But what about my underwear?” “I feared the elastic might limit your circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.” “What a night!” she sighed. “I must have been tight!” “Only the first time, Ma’am!”