Three female roommates got a parrot. Every morning when they passed before it, the bird pronounced three colors. One day, it said, “Yellow, blue, black.” The next day, “Pink, white, blue.” Finally, one of them realized those were the colors of their underpants. She mentioned it to the others, but they didn’t believe her. So the next day, as a test, they all wore black panties. Sure enough, the parrot said, “Black, black, black.” They were astonished. The next morning they decided to trick the bird by wearing no underwear at all. When they passed before the parrot, it looked puzzled but clearly said, “Straight, curly, shaved!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Snow White (groaner) joke
Snow White used her new digital camera to take pictures of all the dwarfs. When she ran out of memory, she took it to the store to get prints made. A week later, she returned for the photos, but the clerk said they weren’t ready yet. She was so disappointed that she started to cry. “Don’t worry, Snow White,” said the clerk, consoling her. “Someday your prints will come!”
An Atheist Fishing
An atheist was fishing on Loch Ness when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. With an easy flip, the beast tossed his boat high into the air and then opened its huge mouth to catch him. As he sailed into the sky, he cried, “Oh, God! Help me!” At once, the ferocious scene froze! As the atheist hung there in mid-air a booming voice came out of the clouds: “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on, God. Give me a break!” pleaded the man. “A minute ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
Little Johnny at the Mall
Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, “Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!” His mother was so embarrassed. “John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!” For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them. Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard? Yes. This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out, “Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses? “
The old Scotsman
An old Scotsman was talking to a young man in a pub. “Laddie, look out at that field. Do you see that fence? Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I worked for months, but do they call me MacGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man pointed to the bar. “Laddie, look here at this bar. Do you see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor. I worked on it for weeks. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Woodworker? Nooo.??? Then the old man points out the other window. “Laddie, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me brow. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo.??? Then the old man looks around nervously, making sure no one is listening. “But, ya screw ONE goat…???
Living at Home
A mother heard a hum coming from her daughter’s bedroom. She opened the door to find her daughter lying naked on her bed, enjoying a vibrator. “What are you doing???? The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the father heard a hum coming from the basement. He went downstairs and found his daughter lying naked on the sofa, again enjoying her friend, the vibrator. “What are you doing???? She replied, “Dad, I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is as close as I can get to a husband!??? A few days later the mother again heard the hum, this time coming from the living room. She found her husband watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. “What are you doing???? He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law!???
Sperm Count Sample
The doctor handed his 75-year-old patient a jar and ordered him to bring back a sample so he could do a sperm count. The next day old man returned to the doctor with an empty jar. “What’s this???? the doctor asked. “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand—but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand—still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. First she tried with her right hand—nothing. Then she tried with her left hand—nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out—still nothing. Finally we called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too—and still nothing.??? The doctor was shocked. “Your neighbor???? “Yep. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t get that damned jar open!???
How Much Does it Cost??
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost???? “Only one kiss per yard, “ replied the smirking male clerk. “That’s fine,??? replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.??? With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and packaged the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill.???
You Look Depressed…
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. He’s totally depressed. “Sure I may have led a wild life,??? he thinks, “but I wasn’t this bad. I can’t believe it’s come to this!??? Hell’s admissions counselor notices his heavy heart. “What’s the matter, buddy? You look depressed.??? “Well, what do you think? I’m in Hell, aren’t I???? The counselor replies, “Well, yeah, but it’s not so bad. We have lots of fun here. Do you drink???? “Well, yeah, I drink.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. Nothing but the finest whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, anything you want and as much as you want. And no hangover, either—because you’re dead! You’re gonna love Mondays. Do you smoke???? “Well, yeah. I smoke.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. On Tuesdays we smoke up a storm. Nothing but the finest cigars, the best cigarettes. And no worries about cancer either—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs???? “Well, maybe a little, back in college.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. On Wednesdays we do drugs all day. You can have all you want of anything you want. And you don’t have to worry about ODing or becoming addicted—because you’re dead, remember? Yeah, you’re gonna love Wednesdays. Do you gamble???? “Well, sure. I like to gamble.??? “Well then, you’re gonna love Thursdays. On Thursdays we gamble up a storm. All day, all night, blackjack, craps, poker, slots, horse racing, everything! And you never have to pay a bookie—because you’re already dead! Yeah, you’re gonna love Thursdays. Are you gay???? “What? Hell, no!??? “Oh. Well then, you’re gonna hate Fridays….???
Financial Troubles
Brandi the blonde is in such serious financial trouble that she decides to ask God for help. She prays, “God, I lost my business and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my car. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. Again she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business and now my car and if I don’t get some money soon, I’m going to lose my home. Please, God: let me win the Lotto.??? But again, Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi’s numbers don’t come up. In desperation she prays, “God, I’ve lost my business, my car, and my home and if I don’t get some money soon, my children will starve. Please, God: just this once, help me get my life back in order. Let me win the Lotto!??? Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, a roar of thunder, the heavens open and Brandi hears the voice of God Himself! “Brandi, my child! Meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!???