One beautiful Sunday morning, when the church was full of faithful parishioners, Satan appeared in a burst of flame! Everyone screamed and ran for the exit, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. Satan bellowed, “Don’t you know who I am???? The man replied, “Yep, sure do.??? Satan roared, “Aren’t you afraid of Satan???? “Nope, sure ain’t.??? Satan was perturbed. “And why do you not fear me???? The old gentleman replied calmly, “Been married to your sister for over 40 years.???
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
The mightiest sword joke
Once upon a time, a king decided to hold a contest to see who at his court had the mightiest… “weapon.” One knight proclaimed, ” ‘Tis I!” dropped his pants, tied a 5-pound weight to it. His weapon doth rose. The crowd cheered, the women swooned, the children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. A second knight stood, cried out, “No, ’tis I!,” dropped his pants, and tied on a 10-pound weight. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played appropriate music. After several more knights tried to prove the superiority of their weapons, the king spoke. “Mine is truly the mightiest weapon of them all!” He dropped his pants and tied, not a 5-, nor a 10-, but a 20-pound weight to his member. His weapon doth rose. Crowds cheered, women swooned, children waved multi-colored banners, and the band played “God Save the Queen!”
Time for Your Temperature
A big-shot businessman with an extremely high opinion of himself had to spend a few days in the hospital. The nurses despised him because he bossed them as if they were one of his employees. Finally the head nurse came into his room and announced, “Time for your temperature. Roll over!??? “What? No way!??? “I’m sorry, sir,??? she said, “but this time, we can’t use an oral thermometer.??? This started another round of complaints as he rolled over and bared his butt. After inserting the thermometer, she announced, “I have to go get something. Just stay like that until I return!??? and left his room, leaving his door wide open. Time passes. He curses every time he hears people laughing outside his door. After nearly an hour, a doctor enters his room. “What are you doing???? asked the doctor rudely. Angrily, the businessman answers, “What do you mean, ‘what am I doing?’ You’re the doctor. Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken???? The doctor chuckles. “Not with a carnation!???
Buying furniture (joke)
A young furniture salesman approached the elderly lady. “Is there anything particular I may show you?” he asked. “Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.” “Do you mean a sectional sofa?” he asked. “Sectional, schmectional, ” she retorted. “All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!”
How Little Suzie Sees It
Little Suzie was walking with her grandmother when they saw two dogs having sex. “What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl. Grandmother was embarrassed, so she answered, “The dog on top has hurt his paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.” Suzie considered this a moment and then asked, “Dogs are just like people, aren’t they, Grandma?” “How do you mean, Suzie?” “Offer someone a helping hand and they’ll screw you every time!”
Two Little Old Ladies
Two sweet little old ladies were standing outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One lady pulled out a condom with the end cut off, pulled it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, “What’s that???? “A condom.??? “Condom? I never heard of it. Where’d you get it???? “Oh, you can get them at any drugstore.??? The next day the second lady walked into the drugstore and said to the pharmacist, “Give me a pack of condoms.??? He looked a little shocked, but politely asked, “What brand? Oh, it doesn’t matter,??? she replied, “just as long as it fits a Camel!??? … The pharmacist fainted.
Getting sick in church (joke)
A little boy, sitting in church with his mother, started to feel queasy. “Mom,” he whispered, “I think I’m gonna be sick!” “Quick, go out the front door of the church, go around back, and throw up behind a bush.” A minute later, the little fella returned to his seat. Mom whispered, “So, you didn’t have to throw up at all, did you?” “Yes, I did. And now I feel better.” “You did? How did you get back here so quickly?” “Oh, I didn’t have to go outside, Mom. There’s a little box by the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’!”
Overweight Blonde Joke
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I’d thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
Saying the Longest Grace Ever
A girl tells her boyfriend that if he’ll have dinner with her parents on Friday night, afterwards she’ll give him her virginity. The boy is ecstatic. Friday after school he heads for the pharmacy to stock up on condoms. Confused by the wide variety, he asks the pharmacist for help. The older man tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and their proper usage. The boy decides to buy a 10-pack, since it is first time and all. That night, his girlfriend leads him to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy quickly volunteers to say the blessing. He bows his head and prays and prays. One minute, five minutes, ten minutes pass, and still the prayer goes on. Finally, after fifteen minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers, “I had no idea you were so religious!??? The boy turns and whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!???
Foul Mouth
Two Italian men get on the bus and sit in front of an well-dressed woman. At first she is able to ignore their conversation, but she is offended when she overhears one man say, “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two more asses, they come together again. Then I come again and pee twice. Then I come-a once-a-more.??? “You foul-mouthed swine,??? huffs the woman indignantly, “In this country we don’t describe our sex lives in public!??? “Hey, coola down, lady,??? said the man. “I’m-a just tellin’ ma friend how ta spell Mississippi!???