Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
if you had a 3 inch floppy…
…you just hoped nobody ever found out!
A store that sells new husbands has just opened i n New York City , where a woman can go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the husband store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – these men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
“Oh mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” She goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the husband store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
A plane is on its way to houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.? she then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “i’m blond, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “i’m blonde, i’m beautiful, i’m going to houston and i’m staying right here.”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “you say she is a blonde? i’ll handle this. i’m married to a blonde. i speak blonde.”
The goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “oh, i’m sorry.” and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “first class isn’t going to houston.”
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.? You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be? in good health, they were concerned about his rather small privates.? After? examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.? That should solve the problem.”? The next? morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm? pancakes in the middle of the table.? “Gee,? Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?”? “Just take? two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
A? man went to a Catholic church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the? priest’s hand. He said “Father, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.? Damned good!”? The priest? said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”? The man? said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five? thousand? dollars in the offering plate!”? The priest? said, “No shit?”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was? concerned that her daughter was having? sex. Worried the girl? might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted? the family doctor.? The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to? stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange? for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give? her a box of condoms.? Later that? evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the? situation and handed her a box of condoms.? The girl? burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t? have to worry about that! I’m dating? Susan!”
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really Bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he Decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail Pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went Home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her Tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still Nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her , and asked, “What are you Doing?” The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to Blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The Roommate rolled her eyes and said, “Uh, helloooo!!! You need to roll up the windows first !!!!”
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…
“I would have gotten out today.”
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.
The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”
The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”