A young lady answered a personal ad in the paper and arranged a date with a nice-sounding man. At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang. But when she opened the door, she got a surprise: the nice-looking fellow standing there had no arms or legs! “I’m the guy from the ad in the paper.” “Yes, but, but,” she protested. “Oh, you’ve probably noticed my physical challenges. But look at it this way. Since I have no arms, I can’t hit you. Since I have no legs, I can’t run around on you.” She considered all this. “Well, perhaps. And you are handsome. But, can you satisfy my needs?” she said. He replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?!”
Category Archives: Funny Jokes
Stopped for Speeding (joke)
A cop stopped a man for speeding. “Sir, are you aware you were doing 80 in a 40 mph zone?” The man answered, “I have a good excuse, officer: it’s my new sneakers. They were made in China and they’ve turned me into a lead foot!”
WTF Pic – The Ladies Man
Here’s another WTF pic I call “the Ladies Man” (lol). I don’t know what’s more disturbing really in this pic. The fact that “the ladies man” is drinking up to double team granny and mom, the fact that there must be a dozen fifths of hard liquor on that table against the wall, or the fact that granny is puking in a wastebasket between her feet with a cold beer against her head. What the hell was going on here?
Mr. Sensitivity (joke)
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?” She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, “Well, how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says…
“Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!”
Redneck Raffle (joke)
While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra thin spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, “Great!, I love spaghetti!”
Billy Bob asked Bubba, “How ’bout you, how’s the toilet brush? “Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I’m thinking ’bout switching back to paper.”
Who’s in Charge? (joke)
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain , ‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood , ‘Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach,’ Because I process food and give all of you energy.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs, ‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes, ‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’
‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum, ‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
he Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…
The asshole is usually in charge
Test Results (joke)
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles from behind the mask, ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?’
A Nun Visits Hooters (joke)
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while “the lights would turn off.”
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
“No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?”
Gynecologist’s Assistant Opening (joke)
A young man goes into the Job Center in Kansas City, Kansas and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more – ‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies – ‘Oh yes here it is :
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Wichita, Kansas. That’s about 120 miles from here.’
‘Oh why, is that where the job’s at?’
‘No sir – that’s where the end of the line is…!!’
WTF Pic: We’re Rock Stars Baby!
This WTF Pic is just begging for a decent caption! I say it’s “We’re Rock Stars Baby”, what’s your best caption?