Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late. “Sorry I’m late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn’t get my f*¢king breakfast.” “Johnny, we don’t use language like that in school! Go stand in the corner!” She then continued the geography lesson. “Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked. No hand went up except Little Johnny’s. The teacher ignored him and asked again. Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny. He replied, “He’s in bed with my Mom and that’s why I didn’t get any f*¢king breakfast!”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Catholics and the Jews Play Golf (joke)
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.
The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.” Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world.”
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” “None who plays golf very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match.”
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“How can there be bad news?” the Pope asked.
“I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods.”
Chuck Norris Facts (jokes)
Well, Chuck Norris Facts have been floating around the Internet for the last few years….and even Chuck Norris has gotten into the act. Here are some of the best ones I could find!
- Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
- Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
- When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
- God wanted 10 days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.
- You can get Norris tears. You have to milk his eyes, though, like you would a cobra’s fangs. Of course, Chuck Norris is much more dangerous than any cobra.
- Chuck Norris can drink so much that his urine is regularly used as a type of rocket fuel.
- Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas
- Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
- Many people think that the moons gravitational pull is what controls the tides. What the authorities do not want you to know is that it is really the power of the bohemith we know as CHUCK NORRIS!!!
- Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
- Chuch Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn’t give him exact change
- Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bangâ€
- Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying “boo-yaâ€
- Chuck Norris doesn’t use a razor to shave in the morning, he roundhouse kicks himself in the face… because the only thing hard enough to cut Chuck Norris, is Chuck Norris.
- Every time Chuck Norris kills a man, an angel gets its wings.
- Before e-mail was invented, chuck norris would attatch messages to kittens and roundhouse them.
- chuck norris doesn’t need air, air needs chuck norris.
- When Chuck Norris was born, he had already had sex, three times
- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity – twice
Alligator Shoes (blonde joke)
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .
“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.”
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”
She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.”
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so IÂ outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”
Divorced Barbie Doll Joke
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.
Italian Virgin (joke)
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was very nervous. Her mother
reassured her; ‘Don’t worry, Maria, Tony’s a good man.
Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you. Meanwhile, I’ll be making pasta.’ So, up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.’
‘Don’t worry, Maria,’ says the mother, ‘all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.’ So, up she went again. When she got up in the
bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!’
‘Don’t worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take
good care of you.’
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. ‘Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!’
Her Mama said, ‘Stay here and stir the pasta.’
Divorce Court (joke)
The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce.” The judge said, “Why do you want a divorce?” “Because my husband is a terrible lover.” “How long have you been married?” “Fourteen years.” “I don’t understand,” said the judge. “Why wait fourteen years to divorce your husband if he’s a terrible lover?” She said, “Because, your honor, until that salesman stopped by last week, I didn’t know!”
The Redneck and the Police Dog (joke)
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, “Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?” The redneck said it was his. “Your dog seems to be in heat.” The redneck replied, “No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.” The policeman said, “No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.” “No way,” said the redneck. “That dog don’t need bread. She ain’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin’.” The exasperated policeman said, “NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!” The redneck looked at the cop and said, “Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!”
The French Maid
A rich Beverly Hills matron got mad at her French maid, told her in no uncertain terms about her shortcomings as a housekeeper, and then fired her. The maid’s Gaelic ancestry couldn’t allow such abuse to go unanswered. “Ma’am, you should know: your husband considers me a better housekeeper than you. He told me himself.” Her boss said nothing. “And furthermore, he considers me a better cook than you, too.” Again, no rise. “Plus, I am better in bed than you!” Her former employer sneered, “And I suppose my husband told you that, too?” “No, ma’am,” said the maid. “The FedEx driver!”