A husband shopped at Victoria’s Secret for a sheer negligee for his wife. He found several, with prices from $50 to $500; evidently, the sheer-er, the price-ier! Being a man, he picked the sheerest, took it home to his wife (without removing the price tag, of course) and asked her to model it. In their bedroom, she had an idea. “This thing is so sheer it might as well be nothing at all. If I don’t put it on, but model naked for him, tomorrow I can return it and keep the $500 for myself.” So she walked out on the upstairs balcony naked and struck a sexy pose for him. He looked up, grimmaced, and said, “Dammit! For $500, shouldn’t they at least iron it?!”
Category Archives: Jokes
In case it gets hot (blonde joke)
A newscaster asked three women what one item they would take with them if they were going to be stranded on a deserted island. The brunette said, “Food, so I can eat.” The redhead said, “Water, so I can drink.” The blond said, “A car door.” The newscaster asked, “What? A car door? Why?” The blonde replied, “Because then if it gets hot, I can roll down the window!”
The Irishman’s Wish
Ir you’re Irish – this joke should bring a smile to your face!
An Irishman walking along the beach found a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up, brushed it off, and out popped a genie. “Since you have freed me from this bottle, I will grant you three wishes.” The Irishman thought a moment and said, “I’m feeling a might thirsty. I think I’ll wish for a pint of stout.” And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand. He drank it down and started to toss the bottle away, when the genie said, “Look at that bottle before you throw it away.” He did and watched as it magically refilled itself with stout. “That’s a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever you empty it. So what are your other wishes?” The Irishman grinned. “I’ll be taking two more of these!”
Revenge
A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Bambi’s Sore Throat (blonde joke)
“You don’t look so good today, Bambi,” said Barbie. “You’re right,” said Bambi. “I feel like I’m coming down with something. My throat really hurts.” Barbie suggested, “You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great.” Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. “You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?” Bambi replied, “I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn’t believe that it was your idea!”
The Elevator Ride
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20″ cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy sighs and says: “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!”
Pecans in the Cemetary
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, “said one boy.? Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.? Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard!? Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth.? Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
The Son of a Bitch Fish
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’? ? ‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’
‘ No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’? ‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’? ? Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.? ? ‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen.’
‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’
‘Why, eat it of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.? ? ‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’
‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is-a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘ Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’
‘ Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.’
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
‘What are you doing Sister?’
‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops’ dinner.’
‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch fish.’
‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and? that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!? Let me know when you’ve finished? cleaning it.’
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’ ‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest. The Bishop’s eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!’
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,
‘You fuckers are my kind of people!’
Please form 2 lines
God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
The old man and the waiting room
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.