Once upon a time, there was a little country boy who lived in a home without indoor plumbing. The little boy hated their outhouse because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and smelled gross all year long. One boring day, after a huge spring rain made the creek rise nearly to the outhouse, he decided to push the evil thing into the creek. He pushed and pushed until he got it rocking back and forth and finally it toppled into the creek and floated away. That night, his dad confronted him. “Someone pushed our outhouse into the creek today. Tell the truth, son. It was you, wasn’t it?” “Yes, dad, it was.” “Then tonight, after dinner, you and I are heading for the woodshed.” “But, dad,” argued the boy, “in school we learned that when George Washington was little, he chopped down a cherry tree and he didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” His dad replied, “Well, son, that may be, but George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”
Category Archives: Jokes
Try a new drink
A woman convinced her boyfriend to try a new drink: Bailey’s, lime juice, and salt. She lined up the ingredients on the counter and explained, “First, put a pinch of salt on your tongue, then hold a shot of Bailey’s in your mouth while you drink a shot of lime juice.” Skeptical, but willing to go along, he put some salt on his tongue. Hmm; salty but okay. Then he took a shot of Bailey’s; smooth, rich, pleasant. He thought, “So far, so good.” Then he added the lime juice. The sharp taste hit him and a second later, curdled the Bailey’s to a consistency like mucous. His mouth felt like it was full of snot, which triggered his gag reflex but, being a manly man and wanting to impress his girlfriend, he just grimmaced and swallowed the foul fluid. When he finally regained the ability to speak, he asked her, “Damn! What do you call that concoction?” She smiled and said, “The B. J. Revenge!”
Bob Who? (joke)
A blonde guy was drinking with an Italian buddy. The Italian loved to play tricks his friend. He asked the blonde, “You remember Bob, don’t you?” The blonde guy replied, “Bob who?” The Italian laughed, “Bob up and kiss my ass, blondie!” The next day the blonde told a co-worker this this story and the co-worker responded, “Why don’t you get him back? Ask him if he remembers Aileen. He’ll say, ‘Aileen who?’ and then you say, “I lean over and you kiss my ass!’ ” The blonde thought this was great. That night, after work, he waited in the bar for his Italian buddy to come in. He was barely when the blonde asked, “So, you remember Aileen, don’t you?” The Italian thought a moment and said, “Aileen… Aileen… you mean the Aileen who’s married to Bob?” And the blonde guy said, “Bob who?”
Hoping for a boy (joke)
This joke is for all of you that might have been hoping for a boy…
After the birth of his daughter, Mr. Abram was brooding in the waiting room. Noticing his gloom, the obstetrician said, “Excuse me, Bill, why the long face?” Mr. Abram looked up, “To tell ya the truth, Doc, I didn’t really want a daughter. I was hoping for a kid who had, ya know… a penis.” The doctor patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Bill. In eighteen years, she’ll have as many as she wants!”
The Godfather (joke)
The godfather was dying. He summonded one of his godsons and said softly, “Mikey, before I go, I gotta ask one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything. I worship you.” The old man’s eyes narrowed. “I want you to go to my bathroom and masturbate.” The lad looked around uneasily. “I dunno, boss. That’s kinda embarassing. ” “Who raised you as if you were my own? This one thing you can’t do for me?” The young man realized his error and agreed to the request. When he returned, the old man said, “One more request?” “Sure, godfather. Anything.” “Do it again!” “What? I just did it.” “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? And you can’t do this one little thing for me?” Again he agreed and was soon back. “Okay, I’m done.” “One last request. Do it once more.” “I don’t understand, godfather. Why?” “What? You can’t grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy was gone a long while this time, but eventually he staggered back to the bedside. “I did it but, please, no more. I got nothing left.” “Good!” said the old man, handing him his car keys. “Now go pick up my daughter at the airport!”
Zebra at the Farm (joke)
A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals. She went up to a fat brown thing and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a cow.” “What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a little white bird and said, “I’m a zebra, what are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” Then the zebra went up to a handsome beast that looked a lot like her except with no stripes and said, “What are you?” “I’m a stallion.” “What do you do?” “How about you take off them fancy pajamas and I’ll show you!”
The locket
Mrs. Darnelle noticed the beautiful locket hanging around Mrs. Lewellen’s neck. She asked, “Mrs. Lewellen, does your locket carry a memento?” “Yes, indeed,” answered Mrs. Lewellen, “a lock of my William’s hair.” Mrs. Darnelle looked surprised. “But your husband is still alive.” “That he is, but his hair is long gone!”
Man on a Mission
A man’s wife rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, and asked her husband to bring her some items from home including “comfortable underwear.” Worried he’d make the wrong choice, he asked, “But how will I know which ones are comfortable? ” She answered, “Hold them up and imagine me in them. If you smile, put ’em back!”
Avoiding Stress (joke)
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, was shocked when the woman’s doctor said she had a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She had to avoid stress, eat right, and never have sex again, or the strain might kill her. They reluctantly tried to live by those rules but over time both got really horny, so the husband decided to sleep on the downstairs couch to prevent temptation. For a few weeks, this arrangement worked, until one night about 1 a.m. when they met each other on the stairs–she coming down, he heading up. “Honey, I have to confess,” she said, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “Glad to hear that, sweetie,” he answered, “because I was just coming up to kill you!”
The Breakfast Note
John woke up with an enormous erection so he reached over to his wife’s side of the bed but Heather was already downstairs fixing breakfast. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote this note, called their son, and asked him to take it to Mommy: “The tent pole is up / The canvas is spread / The hell with breakfast / come back to bed.” Heather replied with a note of her own: “Take the tent pole down / Put the canvas away / The monkey had a hemorrhage / No circus today.” John scribbled a quick reply: “The tent pole’s still up / And the canvas still spread, / Drop what you’re doing / And give me some head.” Heather’s response? “‘Tho your pole may be / The best in the land / I’m too busy now / So do it by hand!”