A girl in a wheelchair was enjoying a day at the beach when a gorgeous beach god approached her. She said, “Excuse me, but may I ask a favor?” “Sure,” he replied. “What can I do for you?” “You see, I’ve never been hugged.” “Well, I can fix that!” he said, and gave her a nice long hug. Then she said, “You know, I’ve also never been kissed.” So he leaned down and gave her a long passionate kiss. She enjoyed it a lot and said, “I’ve also never been fucked.” So the guy picked her from her wheelchair and dropped her in the ocean.
Category Archives: Jokes
No Peeking!
The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” she said. But when she unpacked her suitcase and found the wrong nightgown, she gasped, “Oh! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” And he called through the bathroom door, “I thought you said no peeking!”
Traffic Stop
A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!” The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put “AH” in corner and then handed it to the man to sign. The man demanded to know what “AH” meant. The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you were such an a$shole!” and then returned to his cruiser. The violator’s a bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, “Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don’t normally make?” “Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there’s an underlined ‘AH.'” “What does ‘AH’ stand for, officer?” “Aggressive and hostile, sir.” “Aggressive and hostile?” “Yes, sir.” “Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for ‘a$shole’?” The officer grinned. “Well, sir, you know your client better than I!”
What’s your GPA?
Near the end of the season, the college football player decided to celebrate the end of team curfew at a late night party. He soon spied a beautiful co-ed and eased into conversation by asking, “Meet many dates at parties?” She replied, “Oh, I have a 3.9. I’m more attracted to the strong academics than party animals. What’s your G.P.A.?” Grinning, the jock boasted, “24 in the city and about 30 on the highway!”
Five sets of gold teeth
When Moishe arrived in New York, the customs official inspected his suitcase and asked, “Why do you have five sets of gold teeth?” Moishe explained, “Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat products and one for dairy products. Since I keep kosher, I have separate sets of teeth for each.” The customs official asked, “Okay, that accounts for two sets. But what about the other three?” Moishe replied, “Being a very religious Jew, I use separate dishes for Passover, too, so I also have separate teeth for meat and dairy products on Passover.” The customs official was still skeptical. “You are a very religious man, but that just four sets of teeth. What about the fifth?” “Well, to tell ya the truth, once in a while I enjoy a nice ham sandwich!”
The new robot secretary
Jim the techogeek was admiring John the technogeek’s new acquisition. “John, that new robot secretary of yours is cool!” “Glad you like her. She’s the latest model.” “How does she work?” “Easy. Squeeze her left breast and she takes dictation. Squeeze her right breast and she types a letter.” “Wow! Cool.” “Would you like to try her out?” “Sure!” They moved the new robot into an empty office and John left Jim alone with her to experiment. Suddenly, Jim’s screams of pain could be heard throughout the office! “Eeeeyaaaaa! ” John rushed in. “Jim! Did I forget to tell you that she also has a built-in pencil sharpener?!”
First time on the tee
Two women were paired together in the club tournament. They met for the first time on the tee, introduced themselves, and traded handicaps. “My handicap is 9. What’s yours?” “Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” replied the other. “Really?” said the first, impressed. “Yeah. I write down my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”
Honey, don’t stop
A married couple was lying in bed together. Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder. She murmured gently, “Ah… nice.” His hand moved to her breast. She grew more excited, “Sweetie, that’s wonderful.” His hand moved to her leg. She moaned, “Honey, don’t stop!” But then he stopped. “Why did you stop?” He responded with a click, “Because I found the remote!”
Little Johnny and the worm
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father naked in the shower for the first time. He ran to his mother, screaming, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big hairy worm hanging out of his wee-wee!” “That’s not a worm, sweetheart,” reassured his mother. “That’s a part of Daddy’s body — a very important part. If your daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here…. And come to think of it, neither would I!”
Bill Gates and the Cool Watch
Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time. Scott didn’t recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, “It’s five fifty.” “Hey, cool watch!” said Bill. Scott replied, “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this…” He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, “The time is four fifty-one” in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan — in Japanese! Scott explained, “It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone.” Gates is impressed. “That’s not all,” said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. “The flashing dot shows our location via GPS,” he explained. “View: recede ten,” Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state. “I need this watch!” said Gates. “Oh, it’s not yet ready for sale; I’m still working out some bugs,” said its inventor. “Besides, I haven’t shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax…” “How about $10,000?” said Gates. “Oh, no. I’ve already spent more than on…” “$20,000?” “But it’s not…” “$50,000 — in cash!” Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills. Scott thought, “I’ve only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that’s better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year…” Scott made his decision, “Okay, it’s yours!” He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away. “Hey, wait up!” Scott called. Gates turned around and said, “What?” Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. “Don’t forget your battery!”