Once a penguin was driving his Cadillac through Arkansas. Cruising through this small town, his car began to knock. So, the penguin pulls his Cadillac into the local garage. The mechanic says, “it’ll be a couple of hours before I can check it out.” And the penguin replies, “I’ll head across the street and check out that grocery store.” He immediately heads into the frozen foods section, where he spends the next two hours munching on fish sticks and ice cream bars. After a couple of hours, the penguin heads back to the garage. The mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” To which the penguin blushes and replies, “Oh, no! That’s just vanilla ice cream.”
Category Archives: Jokes
Vasectomy gone wrong (joke)
During a vasectomy, the surgeon slipped and cut off one of the man’s testicles. Hoping to avoid a malpractice suit, he replaced the missing testicle with an onion. When the patient came in for a follow up, he said, “Everything’ s fine, doc, but my sex life has changed.” “How?” asked the anxious doctor. “Well, doc, whenever I pee, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!”
Waiting for Surgery
A woman awaiting surgery was lying naked on a gurney in the hallway when a man in a white coat came by, lifted the sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. A few minutes later, the same man stopped by again, lifted her sheet, looked for a moment, then disappeared. When he appeared a third time, she worked up her courage and asked, “Doctor, will I be going into surgery sometime soon?” And the man replied, “Don’t ask me, lady. I’m just a painter!”
The Nudist Colony
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to tell her that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails the top part. Then his grandmother writes, asking for a current photo of himself in his new location. Again, he cuts a photo in half, but this time sends the wrong half by accident. When he realizes that he sent the wrong half he is worried, but, remembering how bad his grandmother’s eyesight is, figures she won’t notice. Sure enough, grandma’s next letter says, “Thanks for the photo. Change your hairstyle…it makes your nose look too short!”
Good news and bad news
It was time for the elderly man’s annual physical and, after a thorough examination, his doctor told him, “I have good news and bad news, which do you want first?” “Give me the bad news first, Doc.” “You have cancer, it’s inoperable, and you only have about two years to live.” “Oh, God! That’s awful! What could possibly be good news after that?” “You have Alzheimer’s, too. In a few minutes, you won’t remember a thing I’ve told you!”
Hanging the Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry in their backyards. Often two of the women’s laundry gets wet, but it seems like Sophie’s laundry never gets wet. “How do you do it, Sophie? How come you never put out your laundry on days when it rains?” “Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, so I hang out my wash. But if his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.” “But, Sophie,” asks one of the women, “What if it’s pointing up?” “Honey,” replies Sophie, “on a day like that, I don’t do laundry!”
Leaning to one side
An elderly gentleman suffered from Alzheimer’s. His wife loved him very much, but just couldn’t handle him any longer and decided she would have to take him to a nursing home. At the home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, the old gentleman sat in a chair. Suddenly the man started leaning slowly to his left. A nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. By then, his wife had completed the paperwork. She asked him, “So? How do you like the place?” “It’s okay, I guess” he replied. “But, why won’t they let me fart?”
I had a problem with my computer today
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong ? He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
‘An, ID ten T error ? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned …. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’ So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.
The Union Plumber
A woman called a union plumber to her Manhattan apartment to fix a leaking pipe. The plumber was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious well-stacked babe. During the course of his visit they became quite “friendly.” Late in the afternoon the phone rang, disturbing their bedroom shenanigans. Putting down the phone, she said, “My husband is on his way home, but he has to go back to the office around eight. If you come back then we can take up where we left off.” The plumber looked at her in disbelief. “What? On my own time?!”
Job Selection
A prestigious law firm interviewing prospective attorneys had narrowed the field down to Bob and Paul. Both had graduated at the top of their respective law school classes. Both were from good families. Both were equally handsome. Both were well-spoken. But the senior law partner only asked each man one question, “Why did you become a lawyer?” and then chose Bob. Later, Paul said to Bob, “I can’t understand why he didn’t want me. When he asked me why I became a lawyer, I told him that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do the right thing for my clients. What did you say?” Bob replied, “I just told him, ‘I became a lawyer because of my hands.'” “Your hands?” asked Paul incredulously. “Yeah,” said Bob. “One day I looked at my hands and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”