Category Archives: Jokes

What Can I do?

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do????

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.??? There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Tip of the Finger

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
Tip of her index finger shot off.
“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.
“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.
“What?” sputtered the doctor, “You tried to commit suicide by
Shooting off your finger?”
“No, Silly, “the blonde said, “First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I’m not
Shooting myself in the chest.”
“So then?” asked the doctor.
“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, “I just paid
$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened . I’m not shooting myself in the
Mouth.”
“So then?”
“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: “This is going to
Make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.

The Jewelry Store

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.? He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.? The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.? “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000” the jeweler said.

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.? The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by check.? I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring
up Monday afternoon,” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man, “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “but let me tell you about my weekend!

I’ve lost me luggage

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K.? Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.? An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”

“How’d that happen?”

“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

Do You Have a Vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there

He asks the lady,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman,

‘Do you have a vagina?’

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice,

‘Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.’

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,

‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.’

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;

‘Do you have vagina’?

‘Yes, actually I have one,’ she says.

The man replies..

‘Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

Funniest Beer Video Ever

I’ve seen a lot of beer commercial videos over the years, and none were really quite as funny as this one! I hope you enjoy it as much as I have, it puts a new spin on the term “tongue in cheek”! Lol, or LMAO really…

The Old Hillbilly (joke)

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Goin’ to the Store…

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “What was that all about?”

“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”

Blonde Shopping at Target

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “Why, that’s a
Thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
“Wow, said the blonde, “that’s amazing…I’m going to buy it!” So
she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. “What’ s that ?” he asked.
“Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,” she replied.
Her boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”
The blond replied….. “Two popsicles and some coffee.”

Dick Auction

Wife : “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife : “They gave those away.”

Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”