There’s nothing quite like a good Halloween joke – is there?

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Tuesday night.

On Wednesday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around” he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged ‘need.’ “Guess I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor.

“I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.”

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

“I said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?”

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said…

“A pumpkin? Shit…is it midnight already?”

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that andI had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

A man got a phone call at work from his sobbing wife. Through her tears, she said, “It’s the pharmacist. I just called him with a question and he insulted me terribly!” “I’ll talk to him right now,” said the husband as he headed out to the drugstore. Finding the druggist, he started to demand an apology, but before he could say more than few words, the druggist said, “Hang on a minute and hear my side of the story: This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I got up late, left without breakfast and hurried to my car, only to realize that I had locked all my keys inside the house! I had to break a window just to get my keys. By then, I was really late, so I drove too fast and got a speeding ticket. When I was about a half mile from the store, my car died and wouldn’t restart so I ran the rest of the way here. There was a crowd of customers waiting for the drugstore to open, but every time I tried to wait on someone the damn phone would ring. Then I needed change, so I broke a roll of quarters against the register drawer and they fell all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick them up when the phone rang again. As I raised up to answer the phone, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back and knock over a perfume display which fell on the floor breaking every damned bottle! Now the place smells like a cheap brothel, the customers are complaining, and phone is still ringing, and I finally answered it and it was your wife asking me how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, with God is my witness, all I did was tell her!”

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman’s poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?” The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.” The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.” She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!” This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window!”

At a couple’s first breakfast in their new home, the wife commented, “Look at our new neighbor’s laundry. It’s not even clean,” she said. “She must not know how to wash correctly.” Her husband looked, but said nothing. The next time their neighbor hung her wash, the wife said, “Maybe she needs a better brand of soap.” This went on for about a month, but finally, one day the neighbor’s laundry was clean. The wife said, “Look at that! Finally she learned how to wash. I wonder who taught her?” Her husband replied, “No one. I got up early this morning and washed our windows.”