Category Archives: Jokes

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Strolling through Golden Gate Park (joke)

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While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.  Seeing this  he inquired, “Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of the tree,” the other man replied.

“You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me.”

“No, would you like to give it a try?”

Understandably curious, the man says, “Well, OK…” So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry,car keys, and then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, “What the heck happened to you?”

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said: “This just ain’t gonna be your day, cupcake.”

Animal Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

African Lion

A father took his seven-year-old son to the zoo. As they viewed the animals, his son pointed and said, “Look, Dad. There’s a frickin’ lion!” “What did you say?” asked his astonished father. “It’s a frickin’ lion!” People stared. Unsure how to respond, he asked, “Son, where did you come up with that?” The little boy replied, “It’s on that sign. See, Dad?” and he pointed to the sign on the fence reading, “African Lion.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Empty Store (joke)

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Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store’s shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves. One said, “I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we’re selling.” Within minutes, a man did just that, “Hey, boys. Whacha sellin’?” One businessmen responded sarcastically, “We’re selling a$$holes.” Without missing a beat, he rejoined, “Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Sat too Long

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Jim finished his drink, stood up, and appeared ready to head home. The bartender said, “Hey, buddy. Why’re ya goin’ home so soon? It’s only ten o’clock. You’re usually here until after midnight. Something wrong tonight?” Jim responded, “Nothing’s wrong. I just got a sore butt from sitting so long on this bar stool.” “Jim, I’ve got just the thing for you,” said the bartender, reaching to a shelf behind the bar. He opened a bottle of pills and handed two to Jim. Jim looked at the pills and asked, “What’s this? Aspirin?” “No,” said the bartender. “Stool softener!”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Marriage Jokes

10 Commandments on Marriage (joke)

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Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 Grand.

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they Both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood Joke

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This isn’t exactly the nursery rhyme you heard in grade school!

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping thru the forest when she saw the Big Bad Wolf crouched behind a log. “My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf jumped up and ran away. She walked a little farther and then she saw the Big Bad Wolf again, this time crouched behind a bush. “My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.” Again the wolf jumped up and ran away. She walked a little farther and then she spied the Big Bad Wolf again, this time crouched behind a rock. “My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf.” The wolf screamed back, “Damn it, kid! Can’t a wolf take a sh¡t in the woods?!”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Jokes for Women

The statue in the museum (joke)

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A Frenchwoman took her young daughter to the Louvre. As they stood before a statue of a nude male, the child pointed at its penis and asked, “Mama, what’s that?” “Oh, nothing, Cherie.” “I want one,” said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. “I want one. I want one like that one,” she kept repeating. Finally, her mother said, “If you’re a good girl and stop talking about it now, I promise you that when grow up, you will have one.” “And if I’m bad?” Her mother sighed. “Then you will have many!”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Police Jokes

Dog in the Cop Car (joke)

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At the end of another long day, a cop parked at the station. As he gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner started barking. As he opened his door, he saw a little boy staring in at him. “Is that a dog you got back there?” asked the boy. “It sure is,” he replied. Puzzled, the boy asked, “What’d he do?”

doctor jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Pill (joke)

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A man went to the doctor with a swollen foot. After careful examination, the doctor gave him a huge pill. “I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor said. The doctor was gone quite a while and eventually the man lost his patience. He hobbled to the sink, forced the huge pill down, slurped water from the sink until the pill cleared his throat, and then hobbled back onto the examining table. In walks the doctor with a bucket of warm water. “Okay, once the tablet has dissolved, soak your foot in it for at least a half hour.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Diner Joke

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A man ordered a hamburger and a hotdog at a restaurant. After a few minutes, the waitress came to his table with the hamburger stuffed under her armpit. “Why do you have a hamburger in your armpit?” he asked. She replied, “I’m keeping it warm for you.” The man said, “Cancel my hotdog!”