What is the difference between a feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!
Category Archives: Jokes
How did I get here, Mommy? (joke)
The sweet little girl asked, “How did I get here, Mommy?” Mother replied, “God sent you, honey.” “And did God send you too, Mommy?” “Yes, sweetheart, he did.” “And Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and their moms and dads, too?” “Yes, honey, all of them, too.” The child shakes her little head in disbelief. “So you’re telling me nobody in this family has sex in 200 years? No wonder you’re so grouchy!”
Talking Tree (dad joke)
A man, walking in an enchanted forest, started to cut down a talking tree. The tree cried out, “You can’t cut me down. I’m a talking tree!” The man responded, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue!”
The female Hitchhiker
A man picked up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. “What’s your name?” she asked him as she climbed in. “It’s Snow; Ray Snow,” he answered. “And yours?” “June; June Hansen,” she replied. After a few minutes, she asked, “Why do you keep sizing me up like that?” He replied, “I was just wondering: can you imagine what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June?”
You might be a redneck if… (joke)
You may be a redneck if your Daddy’s last words were, “Hold my beer and watch this!”
Jumping off the bridge (joke)
An Alabama farmer was driving across a bridge when he noticed a man on the railing ready to jump. The farmer stopped his pickup, ran up to the man, and said, “Hey fellow, stop! Why are you doing this?” The man replied, “I have no reason to live.” The farmer said, “Think of your wife and children!” “I have no wife or children.” “Well, then, think of your parents!” “They died years ago.” “Well, then, think of General Robert E. Lee!” “Who?” The farmer gave up. “Jump, you damned Yankee!”
St. Peter and the marriage in heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder. Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left”.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
Good Manners in Bed
The nervous young bride was irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “as I do at the dinner table.” Amused by his wife’s formality, he smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked. “Yes,” replied his new wife. “Good, darling,” he whispered. “Now would you please pass the pu$$y?”
The Texas Midget (joke)
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. ‘Hmm…’ mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. ‘Aha!’ said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors… Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, ‘How does that feel now?’ The midget replied, ‘Perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it.. What did you do?’
The doctor replied “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots…”
The Parking Ticket (joke)
I went to the store the other day for only about five minutes, but when I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me but didn’t say a word. He just started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I called him a pile of horse manure. He started writing a third ticket! This went on for quite a while, but the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner. It’s important to have a little fun each day.