Category Archives: Marriage Jokes

Honeymoon

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no surprise in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are finished, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m going to call room service for some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to phone room service to order some food.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed to make love to his wife one more time. When they finish, he’s gasping for air and glistening with sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this damn hole..”

Who says men don’t remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?” he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. “Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that too” she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

“I would have gotten out today.”

Married Too Long (joke)

A husband and wife came for counseling after 35 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

Eye on his pocket (joke)

A man came into a bar, ordered a shot and a beer, chugged the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked in his shirt pocket. Then he ordered another beer and repeated the exercise all over again. This continued several times. Finally curiosity got the better of the bartender. “Excuse me, buddy; I couldn’t help but notice. Why do you look in your shirt pocket after every round?” The man replied, “That’s how I tell if I’m drunk or not.” “What? How’s that?” “Oh, see: I keep a photo of my wife in there. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to head home!”

I Wish You Were A Book (joke)

“Jim, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” “Huh?” replied Jim. Judy moaned, “Look around you. Your head is always buried in some book. You don’t even know I’m alive!” Jim knew this wasn’t going to end well and said, “I’m sorry.” “You know,” Judy continued, “sometimes I wish that I were a book. Then at least you’d look at me.” Jim responded, “That’s a good idea. Then, every few days, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting! “

No Headaches (joke)

As Shelly’s high school reunion drew to a close, the master of ceremonies gave out prizes to the graduates who had traveled the farthest, been married the longest or shortest, were the most successful, etc. Shelly was surprised to hear her own name. “And to Shelly, for the most children: a bottle of champagne and a giant economy-sized bottle of aspirin!” “Don’t bother with the aspirin,” giggled Shelly. “Isn’t it obvious that, with ten kids, I’ve never had a headache!”

Too Quick in the Saddle (joke)

A middle-aged businessman married a young woman half his age. But the fantasy of a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well, even if he was a little quick in the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited his doctor. “Doc, when I make love to my young wife, I can’t hold back very long and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?” The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer.” “Okay, Doc, if you think that’ll help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be waiting at the front door to attack him when he got home. “Be prepared, darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? It was too risky.

As he drove home, he decided to find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the car, pretending to inspect it, and do his deed there. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes tightly and began his “therapy.” A few minutes later, as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining his fantasy, he said, “Yes?” “Police! What are you doing?” “Uh, I’m inspecting my rear axle.” “Well, buddy, while you’re down there, you’d better check your brakes too cause your car just rolled down the hill!”

Getting home late (joke)

Leaving the poker party late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool her,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine, coast into the garage, slip off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom… but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.” “You’re doing it wrong, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little?’ and she always pretends to be asleep!”

The clever letter (joke)

A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”

Dusty Underwear (joke)

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

‘Susan,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker… ‘It’s not talcum powder……

It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.’