Category Archives: Marriage Jokes

I Wish You Were A Book (joke)

“Jim, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in a while?” “Huh?” replied Jim. Judy moaned, “Look around you. Your head is always buried in some book. You don’t even know I’m alive!” Jim knew this wasn’t going to end well and said, “I’m sorry.” “You know,” Judy continued, “sometimes I wish that I were a book. Then at least you’d look at me.” Jim responded, “That’s a good idea. Then, every few days, I could take you to the library and exchange you for something more interesting! “

No Headaches (joke)

As Shelly’s high school reunion drew to a close, the master of ceremonies gave out prizes to the graduates who had traveled the farthest, been married the longest or shortest, were the most successful, etc. Shelly was surprised to hear her own name. “And to Shelly, for the most children: a bottle of champagne and a giant economy-sized bottle of aspirin!” “Don’t bother with the aspirin,” giggled Shelly. “Isn’t it obvious that, with ten kids, I’ve never had a headache!”

Too Quick in the Saddle (joke)

A middle-aged businessman married a young woman half his age. But the fantasy of a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he couldn’t last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well, even if he was a little quick in the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited his doctor. “Doc, when I make love to my young wife, I can’t hold back very long and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?” The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last longer.” “Okay, Doc, if you think that’ll help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be waiting at the front door to attack him when he got home. “Be prepared, darling. I’m going to ravish you,” she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? It was too risky.

As he drove home, he decided to find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the car, pretending to inspect it, and do his deed there. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes tightly and began his “therapy.” A few minutes later, as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining his fantasy, he said, “Yes?” “Police! What are you doing?” “Uh, I’m inspecting my rear axle.” “Well, buddy, while you’re down there, you’d better check your brakes too cause your car just rolled down the hill!”

Getting home late (joke)

Leaving the poker party late as usual, two friends compared notes. “I can never fool her,” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine, coast into the garage, slip off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom… but my wife always wakes up and yells at me for staying out late.” “You’re doing it wrong, my friend,” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a little?’ and she always pretends to be asleep!”

The clever letter (joke)

A 63-year-old accountant left this letter on his kitchen counter. “Dear Wife: By the time you read this letter I will be at the grand Hotel with my beautiful, sexy, 21-year-old secretary.” When he arrived at the Grand Hotel he had a letter waiting for him at the front desk. “Dear Husband: I, too, am 63years old. By the time you receive this letter I will be at a better hotel with our handsome, virile, 21-year-old gardener. You, being an accountant, will well appreciate that 21 goes into 63 many more times than 63 goes into 21.”

Dusty Underwear (joke)

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

‘Susan,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker… ‘It’s not talcum powder……

It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.’