Two young men stood before a judge, due to be sentenced for smoking dope. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men and I’d rather give you a second chance than jail time. I want you to go out and show others the evils of drug use and talk them into giving up drugs forever. Be back here on Monday.” Next Monday, the judge asked the first guy, “How did it go?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs.” “17 people? That’s pretty good. How did you do it?” “I drew a simple diagram with a big circle and a small circle and I told them, ‘This big circle is your brain before drugs. This small circle is your brain after drugs.'” “Admirable,” said the judge, then turned to the second guy. “And how did you do?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.” “156! That’s amazing! How did you do it?” “I used a similar approach. I drew a small circle and a big circle and I told them, ‘This small circle is your a**hole before prison…'”
All posts by topjokes
Losing hand at Poker
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz lost $500 on a single hand, clutched his chest and dropped dead, still sitting at the table. Finkelstein looks around and asked, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They drew straws and Goldberg lost. “Be discreet, Goldberg,” they said. “Don’t make a bad situation worse.” “Discreet?” he replied. “Discretion is my middle name.” Goldberg went to Meyerwitz’s apartment and knocked on the door. The wife answered the door and asked, “What are you doing here, Goldberg?” Goldberg said, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!” said the wife. “Okay. I’ll go do that!” said Goldberg.
I read it on the Internet…
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s, sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people celebrating the fact that the year 2000 was “MM” in Roman numerals, when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is not that surprising as everyone knows there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken; that’s why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, my friend woke up one morning and found himself in his bathtub, which was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidney had been stolen. A note on his mirror said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It must be true because I read all about it last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates himself, who also promised me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would only forward his e-mail to everyone I know.) He tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but the voice on the line asked him to press #90, which gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the unwitting guy’s expense. Then, reaching into the coin-return slot, he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that read, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital where that little boy dying of cancer is, you know, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. (I sent him two e-mails; one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel which I forwarded to lots of people because if you forward it to more than ten people you’ll have really good luck, but if you forward it to less than ten people you will have bad luck for seven years.) On the way to the hospital he noticed a car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. In conclusion, be sure to send this email to all your friends and you’ll receive four green M&Ms, but if you don’t, the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mail, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends, you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, and your spouse will develop a skin rash from the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms. I know all this is true; I read it on the Internet.
Guessing Game
The nursery school teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsey!” one child answered. “And this?” “A piggy!” “And now this?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: What does Mommy call Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?” “I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”
Confusing Questions
A confused nine-year-old asks his mother, “Is God male or female?” After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “God is both male and female.” This confuses the little boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?” She responds along the same line, “God is both black and white.” This further confuses the boy so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?” The mother becomes concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.” Finally the boy’s face beams with understanding and he shouts, “So God is Michael Jackson!”
The Obituary
A woman went to the newspaper to publish an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The editor informed her the charge was 50 cents per word. She paused and then said, “How about, ‘William MacKinney died’?” Amused by the woman’s thrift, the editor told her that there was a seven-word minimum. She paused again and then said, “Okay, how about ‘William MacKinney died. Golf clubs for sale’?”
The Dating Scene (joke)
Bob and Bill were talking at the bar. Bob looked really down in the dumps. “What’s wrong, Bob?” asked Bill. Bob sighed. “I just don’t get it. The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many people to please. I dated this one woman, she liked me and her mom liked me but her father hated me. And this other woman, both her parents liked me but she didn’t like me that much. And then last week I met this woman who absolutely loved me, her parents liked me… but her husband couldn’t stand me!”
50 First Dates
Price: $28.99
10 Rules for Dating: Blind and Otherwise
Price: $9.95
Computer Addict’s exercise plan
Computer Addicts’ Exercise Plan: Sitting, staring, and typing may no longer be enough to keep you in shape. Here’s a regimen to build those arms, shoulders and back muscles. While sitting at your computer, raise a 5-pound potato sack with each hand, extending your arms until they are straight out from your sides. Try to hold them there for at least 10 seconds. Relax. Drink coffee. Repeat. After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks and eventually work your way up to 25-pound potato sacks in each hand for a full minute. Once you can do that with confidence, slip a potato into each sack, but be careful. Don’t overdo it!
Becoming a better listener
A man is driving down a road when a woman passes him. She yells out her window, “PIG!” He yells back, “BITCH!” He rounds the next curve and crashes into a huge hog in the middle of the road. Thought For The Day: “If only men would listen.”
Little Johnny on the Farm
“Well, Little Johnny, did you enjoy your field trip today?” “It was okay, Mom.” “What did you see?” “We went to a farm and saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.” “What?!” his mother gasped. “What’s that?” “You know, Mom; the animals that give us milk.” “But who told you they were called that?” “Our teacher. Well, actually she called them ‘F-ers,’ but we all knew what she meant!”