All posts by topjokes

Little Old Lady (joke)

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there’s a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while, a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement!

Noticing this, a policeman stops her…. ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag … ‘

‘Oh, really? Darn,’ says the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ says the cop. ‘How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no,’ said the little old lady. ‘You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ‘$20 or I cut it off ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ laughs the cop. ‘OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well….’ says the little old lady, ‘…not everybody pays”

Screw the preacher

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,…..no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, …. “If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a? new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!”? The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,….”If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!”? More sighs and loud applause,

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Preacher stays, …. I will give him sex!”
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . “Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?” Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,…..”Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ….? “Screw the Preacher!'”

Drinking Problem (joke)

drinking joke / gay joke
A young gay man’s friends intervened to help his problem drinking. He got involved with AA and after much struggle was clean and sober for a year. To celebrate, he held a small dinner party for his friends who were quite proud of him. He swore then and there to use the same techniques to stop smoking. A year later, he held another party to celebrate being tobacco free. Again, his friends were amazed at his good health. A year later, he hosted another party to announce, “I’m no longer gay.” All his friends, both gay and straight, were amazed. “How have you managed to change your life so drastically? ” “Did you use the same techniques you did when you stopped drinking and smoking?” “Was it a change of lifestyle?” “Was it religious?” He quieted them all and said, “Oh, nothing so drastic. It’s just that, after I quit smoking, everything tasted different!”

Military Promotion (joke)

military joke
The colonel had one First Lieutenant slot available, but three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. He called the first candidate into his office and said, “If I told you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Headquarters by 1700, what would you do?” The Lieutenant thought a moment and then responded, “Sir! I would get a shovel, head for HQ, and start digging!” “You’re not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He then asked the next candidate the same question. “Sir! I would fill out a CE work order, make provisions for appropriate environmental studies, and…” “You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” said the Colonel. He asked the final candidate, who immediately responded, “Sir, I would call the First Sergeant, and say, ‘Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1600!” The Colonel barked, “You’re ready to be promoted!”

Seven Hundred Ten

A blonde walks into the local garage and asked for a “seven-hundred-ten”.

They all looked at each other perplexed.

Another customer asked, “What is a ‘seven-hundred-ten’?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.” She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Still perplexed, he then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked “is there a ‘710’ on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.

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Tech Support Torture

Have you ever been tortured by phone tech support?

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Power Switch

Can you find the power switch for your computer?

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Online Addiction?

Would you miss your own wedding if you had an online addiction?

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Computer Airbag

Shouldn’t all computers come equipped with an airbag?

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Laundry Computer Room

Look at her inventive computer desk!? Maybe she’s spent a little too much time on the laundry-computer room

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