A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”
All posts by topjokes
Racetrack Fieldtrip (joke)
Two female teachers took their third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses and the supporting industry. During the tour, when some children needed to use the toilet, they decided that one teacher would take the girls and the other teacher would take the boys. Waiting outside the men’s room, one little boy came out to tell her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the line of little boys up by their armpits, one by one. Holding up one, she couldn’t help but notice that, for an elementary school child he was unusually well-endowed. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh, but thanks for the lift!”
The Pastor’s Visit (joke)
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message, was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Eye on his pocket (joke)
A man came into a bar, ordered a shot and a beer, chugged the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked in his shirt pocket. Then he ordered another beer and repeated the exercise all over again. This continued several times. Finally curiosity got the better of the bartender. “Excuse me, buddy; I couldn’t help but notice. Why do you look in your shirt pocket after every round?” The man replied, “That’s how I tell if I’m drunk or not.” “What? How’s that?” “Oh, see: I keep a photo of my wife in there. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to head home!”
The Courtship joke
Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty…”
Lil’ Johnny’s Homework
Lil’ Johnny asked his father for help with a homework assignment, “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” His father thought a moment, then said, “How about a demonstration? Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.” Lil’ Johnny was puzzled, but did as he was told. “Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” She looked around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face said, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.” Johnny then went to his sister’s room. “Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” His sister did not hesitate. “Omigod! Definitely!” Lil’ Johnny returned to his father. “Okay, Dad, I’ve got it. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars. But in reality, we are living with a couple of sluts.”
Funny Cell Phone “fight” Video
Here’s a really funny video where the dude is pretending to talk on his cell phone and wants to “fight” everyone he talks to. Try doing this in a public place some time – it’s hilarious!
Halloween Headache (joke)
A young married couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife came down with a terrible headache. “Go ahead and go,” she told her spouse. “Have a good time.” He protested, but she insisted, so he took his costume and left while she took some aspirin and a nap. After an hour or so, she awakened without pain, and since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because her husband had never seen her costume, she thought she might have some fun watching him when he thought she wasn’t around. At the party, she soon spotted her husband on the dance floor, cavorting with every woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. So she sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive woman herself, came on to him, although without ever saying a word. She let him go as far as he wished; after all, he was her husband. And, it was rather fun. Finally, he whispered a proposition in her ear; she agreed and off they went to a car in the parking lot, where they took care of business. Just before the midnight unmasking, she slipped out, went home, put away her costume, and climbed into bed, wondering just exactly what sort of explanation he would come up with for his notorious behavior. When he arrived home, she was sitting up in bed, reading. “How was the party, dear?” she asked with a smile. He replied, “Oh, the same old thing. Rather boring. You know I never have a good time without you!” “Did you get to dance?” “No, not even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and Jim, and they wanted to play some poker, so we went upstairs to the den and played poker all evening. But that guy I loaned my costume to had one helluva good time!”
WTF Pic – Tattooed Skeleton Face
There are some REALLY stupid people in this world – but WTF do you have to be thinking to get a skeleton tattooed on your ENTIRE FACE! I mean, really dude – WTF?!
No Casinos in Africa
Why are there too many casinos in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!
