One beautiful Sunday morning, when the church was full of faithful parishioners, Satan appeared in a burst of flame! Everyone screamed and ran for the exit, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew. Satan bellowed, “Don’t you know who I am???? The man replied, “Yep, sure do.??? Satan roared, “Aren’t you afraid of Satan???? “Nope, sure ain’t.??? Satan was perturbed. “And why do you not fear me???? The old gentleman replied calmly, “Been married to your sister for over 40 years.???
Category Archives: Church Jokes
Getting sick in church (joke)
A little boy, sitting in church with his mother, started to feel queasy. “Mom,” he whispered, “I think I’m gonna be sick!” “Quick, go out the front door of the church, go around back, and throw up behind a bush.” A minute later, the little fella returned to his seat. Mom whispered, “So, you didn’t have to throw up at all, did you?” “Yes, I did. And now I feel better.” “You did? How did you get back here so quickly?” “Oh, I didn’t have to go outside, Mom. There’s a little box by the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’!”
A Jew, A Catholic, and a Mormon
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the hotel bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons; one more and I’ll have a basketball team.??? The Catholic pooh-poohed his accomplishment, “That’s nothing. I have ten sons; one more and I’ll have a football team.??? To which the Mormon replied, “That’s nothing. I have seventeen wives; one more and I’ll have a golf course!???
Somebody Get Me A Priest
A bus strikes a man crossing a busy street. As he lies dying on the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators gathers. The man gasps, “Somebody get me a priest!??? A policeman searches, but there’s none to be found anywhere nearby. Finally, a old Jewish man volunteers. “Look, Mr. Policeman, I’m not a priest, I’m not even Catholic, but for fifty years now I’m living behind the Catholic church over on First Avenue and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany so maybe I can comfort this poor dying man???? The policeman agreed and the old man kneels beside the injured man and says in his most solemn voice, “B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…???
Confession
A man was in confession. He told the priest, “I almost had an affair with a woman.??? “What do you mean, ‘almost?’??? “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped.??? The priest replied, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don’t go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.??? The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!??? The man replied, “Well, that’s true, Father, I didn’t. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!???
A Wonderful Family
The Rabbi in a small town in the old country died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was disconsolate for months until the people of the village decided she should remarry. The town was so small that it only had one eligible bachelor, the butcher. The Rebbetzin was concerned because she had been wed to a scholar, but this butcher had little education. But, as she was lonely, she agreed, and soon they were married. After the marriage, on the next Friday she went to the mikvah and then home to light the candles. Her new husband leaned over and said, “My mother taught me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. She then lit the candles and he again leaned over to her and whispered, “My father taught me that after lighting the candles, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After saying their prayers, they went to bed, but when they awoke the next morning, he said, “My grandmother taught me that before going to synagogue, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. After praying all morning, they came home to rest and again he whispered, “My grandfather taught me that after praying, it’s good to have sex.” So they did. On Sunday she went shopping and ran into an old friend who asked, “So? How is the new husband?” She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex
A Second Opinion
God saw the rascally behavior on Earth so He told an angel to go down and check things out. When the angel returned, he said, “You’re right. It is bad down there. 95% of the people misbehave and only 5% are good.” God considered this but wanted a second opinion. So He sent down a second angel. When he returned, he said, “You were right, that other angel was wrong. It’s 99% bad and only 1% good down there.” God was so displeased that He emailed the 1% to encourage them to keep them being good. Do you know what that email said? No? Yeah, I didn’t get one either!
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Italian Boys Confession
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Johnny, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Volpe?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone.? You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months vacation and five good leads.”
Church
A? man went to a Catholic church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the? priest’s hand. He said “Father, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.? Damned good!”? The priest? said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”? The man? said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five? thousand? dollars in the offering plate!”? The priest? said, “No shit?”
The Pastor’s Visit (joke)
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message, was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”