Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, methods, classes, applets and applications appeared on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and intricate graphics formed on their monitors. Just before the contest was due to end, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment, it came back on…just in time for the announcement that the competition was over. Who won? Easy. Mohammed lost everything in the power outage, but Jesus saves.
Category Archives: Church Jokes
The Church Hypocrite (joke)
Leaving church, Mrs. Peterson asked her husband, “Do you think that Johnson girl tints her hair?” “I didn’t even see her,” admitted Mr. Peterson. “And that dress Margie Hansen was wearing,” continued Mrs. Peterson, “Was that suitable for a mother of two?” “I didn’t notice that, either,” said Mr. Peterson. Mrs. Peterson snapped, “Oh, for heaven’s sake! A lot of good it does you to go to church!”
It sure beats pork (jewish joke)
An Irish priest and a rabbi shared a compartment on a train. The priest opened the conversation by saying, “I know that your religion doesn’t allow you to eat pork. But, have you ever actually tasted it?” The rabbi replied, “To tell the truth, I’ve succumbed occasionally. Now in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but….” The priest smiled and replied, “Oh, I know what you’re going to ask. Yes, I’ve succumbed occasionally over the years.” There was a moment of silence. Then the Rabbi said, “Sure beats pork, doesn’t it?”
A Priest and a Rabbi buy a car (joke)
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m blessing it with holy water,” said the priest. A few minutes later the rabbi came out of the synagogue carrying a hacksaw. He walked to the back of the car and cut off about two inches of tailpipe.
In the recovery room (joke)
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, “Do you have health insurance?” He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.” The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?” He replied, “No money in the bank.” The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.” The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Irish Joke
A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.
Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”
When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.
She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.
While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.
“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”
“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Heaven Can Wait (joke)
They had been married for sixty years. They were far from rich, but in very good health, due largely to her insistence that they both eat healthy foods and exercise every day. But their good health didn’t help them when their plane crashed. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter led them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen, and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment. “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home for eternity.” The man asked, “How much will this cost?” “Why, nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is your heavenly reward. And see that championship golf course out your back window? It’s included, too; you can play as much as you want, for free.” He also showed them the clubhouse, the pool, the lavish meals of every cuisine imaginable. “This is Heaven. Everything is free for you to enjoy.” The old man glanced nervously at his wife and then asked, “But where are the low fat, low cholesterol foods, the decaffeinated tea, the…” St. Peter interrupted. “That’s the best part,” he said. “You can eat and drink as much as you like, of anything you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” “No gym to work out at?” “Only if you want to.” “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. Here you just enjoy yourself.” The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damned bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!
Three Italian Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, “I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini..” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he ask “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
……
“No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
10 Commandments on Marriage (joke)
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 Grand.
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they Both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Bonus Commandment story:
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too, but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
Seymour goes to heaven (joke)
Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, God greeted him at the Pearly Gates. “Hungry, Seymour?” saith God. “I could eat,” replied Seymour. God opened a can of tuna fish and grabbed a loaf of rye bread and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries, and fine wines. Curious but deeply trusting, Seymour remained quiet. The next day God again invited Seymour to join him for a meal. Again, he served tuna and rye bread. Once again, Seymour watched the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. And still Seymour said nothing. The following day, another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. “Lord, I led a pious, obedient life and I am grateful to be here in heaven with you as my reward. But all we ever eat is tuna and rye bread, while in Hell they eat like kings! Forgive me, God, I just don’t understand…” God sighed. “Let’s be honest, Seymour. For just two people, does it pay to cook?”