Category Archives: Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes, Grandma jokes, Jokes

When Grandma Goes To Court

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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Smartass Answers (joke)

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SMARTASS ANSWER #7
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’ The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

SMARTASS ANSWER #6

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a Compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.’

SMARTASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’

SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. ‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said. The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’ When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ‘Low Bridge overhead.’ Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’

SMARTASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. ‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’ A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand .’

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Raffle At Work (joke)

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A woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond necklace. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the necklace?” She replies, “Oh, I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The next day, she arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. “Where did you get the bracelet?” asks her husband, and again she replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Would you get my bath ready while I start supper, please?” The third day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub!” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet!”

Animal Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

Racetrack Fieldtrip (joke)

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Two female teachers took their third, fourth and fifth graders on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses and the supporting industry. During the tour, when some children needed to use the toilet, they decided that one teacher would take the girls and the other teacher would take the boys. Waiting outside the men’s room, one little boy came out to tell her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the line of little boys up by their armpits, one by one. Holding up one, she couldn’t help but notice that, for an elementary school child he was unusually well-endowed. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said. “No, ma’am,” he replied. “I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh, but thanks for the lift!”

Church Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes, Preacher Jokes

The Pastor’s Visit (joke)

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. Obviously someone was home, but even after he knocked several times, no one came to the door. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message, was the notation, “Genesis 3:10.” Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Marriage Jokes

Eye on his pocket (joke)

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A man came into a bar, ordered a shot and a beer, chugged the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked in his shirt pocket. Then he ordered another beer and repeated the exercise all over again. This continued several times. Finally curiosity got the better of the bartender. “Excuse me, buddy; I couldn’t help but notice. Why do you look in your shirt pocket after every round?” The man replied, “That’s how I tell if I’m drunk or not.” “What? How’s that?” “Oh, see: I keep a photo of my wife in there. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to head home!”

Dirty Jokes, Funny Jokes, Jokes

The Courtship joke

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Josh lusted after Linda. When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, “I want you right here, right now. Do it… or you can walk home!” Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologizing, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, “Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it… or walk home!” Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologizing and gifts of flowers and jewelry, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life. As they were driving home, Josh asked, “Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?” Linda answered, “Well, it’s like this: I’ll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhea, but fifty…”

Funny Jokes, Jokes, Little Johnny Jokes

Lil’ Johnny’s Homework

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Lil’ Johnny asked his father for help with a homework assignment, “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” His father thought a moment, then said, “How about a demonstration? Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you’ve learned.” Lil’ Johnny was puzzled, but did as he was told. “Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” She looked around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face said, “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.” Johnny then went to his sister’s room. “Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” His sister did not hesitate. “Omigod! Definitely!” Lil’ Johnny returned to his father. “Okay, Dad, I’ve got it. Potentially, we are sitting on two million dollars. But in reality, we are living with a couple of sluts.”

Funny Jokes, funny videos, Jokes

Funny Cell Phone “fight” Video

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Here’s a really funny video where the dude is pretending to talk on his cell phone and wants to “fight” everyone he talks to. Try doing this in a public place some time – it’s hilarious!

Funny Jokes, Jokes

Halloween Headache (joke)

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A young married couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party, but the wife came down with a terrible headache. “Go ahead and go,” she told her spouse. “Have a good time.” He protested, but she insisted, so he took his costume and left while she took some aspirin and a nap. After an hour or so, she awakened without pain, and since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because her husband had never seen her costume, she thought she might have some fun watching him when he thought she wasn’t around. At the party, she soon spotted her husband on the dance floor, cavorting with every woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. So she sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive woman herself, came on to him, although without ever saying a word. She let him go as far as he wished; after all, he was her husband. And, it was rather fun. Finally, he whispered a proposition in her ear; she agreed and off they went to a car in the parking lot, where they took care of business. Just before the midnight unmasking, she slipped out, went home, put away her costume, and climbed into bed, wondering just exactly what sort of explanation he would come up with for his notorious behavior. When he arrived home, she was sitting up in bed, reading. “How was the party, dear?” she asked with a smile. He replied, “Oh, the same old thing. Rather boring. You know I never have a good time without you!” “Did you get to dance?” “No, not even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and Jim, and they wanted to play some poker, so we went upstairs to the den and played poker all evening. But that guy I loaned my costume to had one helluva good time!”