As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I got embarrassed when I had to perform a pelvic exam. To cover my embarrassment, I unconsciously whistled softly. Suddenly the middle-aged lady upon whom I was working laughed, which further embarrassed me. I looked up and said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No, doctor, but did you realize you were whistling, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’?”
Category Archives: Jokes
The Porch (joke)
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,’ he said, ‘How much will you charge me?’
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?’ He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’ The
wife replied, ‘You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.’
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. ‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.
‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
‘And by the way, ‘ the blonde added,’ it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus’.
Getting Older
Two drunk Air Force Crew Chiefs were talking. One said, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn’t bend it even if I used both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I really tried. By the time I was 50, I could bend it 20 degrees no problem. Next week I’m gonna be 60 and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.” “So?” asked the second guy. “What’s your point?” “Well, I’m just wondering: how much stronger am I gonna get?”
Jump! It’s Your Only Chance
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”
The Roadside Cafe
A man stopped at a roadside café, sat down at the counter, and was surprised by the Daily Specials sign: “Cheeseburger $7, Chicken Sandwich $8, Hand Job $20.00.” When the attractive waitress came to take his order, he asked, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purred, “and I’m good, too!” The man replied, “Well, wash your hands and bring me a cheeseburger! “
Terrible News
As the manager passed the blonde’s cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “I just learned that my mother died this morning.” The boss felt sorry for her. “Go one home and take the day off.” “Thanks, but I’d rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it.” He agreed she stayed on. A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. “Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don’t want to go home?” he asked. “No!” exclaimed the blonde. “I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!”
Chicken wi broccori? (chinese joke)
A Chinese couple get married, she’s a virgin and truth be told he is not all that experienced either.
On their wedding night she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses, he climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, “my darring, “he says, “I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten, bu I promise you, I give you anyfin you wan, I do anyting, juss anyting you wan, Wha you wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request, eventually she replies shyly and unsure, “I wan try somethin I hear abou…numbaa 69.”
More thoughtful silence, this time from him, eventually in a puzzled tone he queries…
“You wan… Chicken wi broccori?”
Jump! It’s Your Only Chance
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were trapped in a burning building. Firemen arrived and spread out the blanket. “Jump! It’s your only chance!” they cried. The brunette jumped and Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away. The brunette smashed into the sidewalk. “Jump!” the firemen yelled to the redhead. “Oh, no!” the redhead cried. “You’ll pull the blanket away!” “No, no! It’s brunettes we can’t stand! We love redheads!” “Well, okay,” said the redhead, as she jumped. Swish! the firemen yanked the blanket away and she smashed into the sidewalk. Finally, it was the blonde’s turn. “Jump!” yelled the firemen. “No way!” yelled the blonde. “You’ll just pull the blanket away again!” “No, we won’t. We won’t pull the blanket away. We love blondes!” The blonde was adamant. “Nothing you say will convince me! Now put that blanket down and step away from it…”
Cleanup at checkout 3!
A fifty-year-old man asks the drugstore checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know,” he replies. “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to checkout 3. Extra large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. A thirty-year-old man enters the store and asks the same checkout girl, “Do you sell condoms?” She replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “I don’t know.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to checkout 3. Large condoms to checkout 3!” A stock boy brings her the condoms, the man pays and leaves. Seeing all this, a fifteen-year-old boy decides to try his luck.? He goes through the same checkout and asks sheepishly, “Um, uh, do you guys sell condoms?” And once again she replies, “Sure. What size are you?” “Uh, I dunno.” “Well, just let me just check,” she volunteers. She unzips his pants, reaches inside, then says over the intercom, “Clean up at checkout 3. Clean up at checkout 3!”
Precious little girl
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”